"We can't get our kids to go to bed!"

Bedtime for children can sometimes be fraught with conflict. Claire and Stuart take our challenge to establish a structured bedtime routine for their children

Published 01 Apr 2008
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The Problem

Claire and Stuart say: “The kids’ bedtime routine leaves us feeling exhausted. Adam, 5, and Francesca, 3, try everything to spin it out, starting with tantrums and losing the ability to walk upstairs, followed by refusing to climb into their bunk beds and complaining about being hungry/thirsty/needing the loo.” 

Claire adds: “It’s not so bad if we’re both at home, but usually it’s me doing it on my own. The whole thing takes up to an hour and three quarters; meanwhile, two-month-old Harvey has to sit in his rocker waiting for attention. Also, because the children aren’t asleep until after 9pm, Stuart and I don’t eat our evening meal until 9.30pm, which is too late.”

The advice

Sleep expert Tracey Marshall says: “There’s clearly an issue here with bedtime being rather chaotic, and my main aim would be to establish a much more structured routine, so that everybody knows exactly what’s expected. There also needs to be some firm boundary setting from the parents – usually Mum in this case – so that the children are clear about the new rules and how they will be enforced.”
  1. Establish a routine
    Keep all the ‘bedtime cues’ together. At the moment, the children have their bath and put their pyjamas on, then come downstairs again to play, which disrupts everything. So this is the first thing that should change. Claire and Stuart need to establish a new routine that is continuous and uninterrupted, and not bring the children back downstairs once the routine has started.
  2. Keep it simple
    The new routine should be uncomplicated and not too drawn-out. I suggest a period of quiet play to calm the children down, followed by bath time, pyjamas, a bedtime story and a kiss goodnight. The routine should be ‘portable’, so no matter where you are, the same things can happen – and bedtime should be at a regular time.
  3. Offer a drink or snack
    Half an hour before bedtime, offer the children a last opportunity to have a drink or snack, to stop them using that as a delaying tactic later. Avoid sweet foods and drinks, such as tea or cola, as sugar and caffeine are stimulating.
  4. Don’t let boundaries get stretched
    Do establish clear boundaries for bedtime behaviour. This applies to Claire and Stuart themselves as well as the children! If you have said you’ll fetch them a glass of milk in bed, don’t be talked into fetching a second. Once boundaries start to get stretched, most children will push at them more.
  5. Allow 45 minutes
    Bedtime should take about three-quarters of an hour, rather than the one and a half hours plus that it takes at the moment. I recommend starting at 7.15pm, with the aim of the children being in bed asleep by 8pm-ish.
  6. Introduce the Sleep Fairy
    Children need a reward to give them a reason to change their behaviour. I recommend the Sleep Fairy, who leaves a small treat for each child (for example, a sticker) in a box by the bed in the morning if they have been good. Or you could give each child a jam jar with lines drawn at intervals up the side and the Sleep Fairy could leave them a coin, a marble or a piece of pasta to put in the jar each time they behave well at bedtime. They can watch their reward grow and when they reach a line, they get to choose something special, such as an afternoon baking biscuits with Mum or Dad or a trip to the cinema, or they get to take their coins to the shop to spend. If a child hasn’t managed the new routine, the Sleep Fairy can leave a note explaining why there is no reward but encouraging them that there can be one tomorrow. 

Here's how they got on

Claire and Stuart’s diary

DAY ONE: A difficult start

Claire: Tracey’s advice has shown me that I need to work on myself as much as the kids. I need to be more consistent with them, and not get distracted once the bedtime routine starts. Despite my best intentions, things didn’t start well. Adam demanded to play on the PlayStation while we were having quiet time. I said no, but I was feeding Harvey and couldn’t get up, so he went and got it anyway. This led to a major row, with lots of tears and shouting. Eventually, I managed to calm him down and get him and Francesca to bed, but I did feel despondent about it all.

Stuart: I’ve just started a new job, so I’m not around to help Claire much in the evenings, but I’m going to do everything I can.

DAY TWO: More co-operative

Claire: I approached bedtime with dread, but amazingly it seems that some lessons were learnt last night. Adam was really co-operative, and he was sTwo children reading before bedo keen to earn back his PlayStation that he even helped me with Francesca. We got on much better, although they still badgered me for more than one story each and it’s very difficult to start the routine on time when Harvey’s needs are still so variable from day to day.

DAY FOUR: All change

Claire: The last two days have been much easier – it was the weekend and Stuart was around to help. We’ve shaved a bit of time off the whole routine, and we don’t come down to play after their bath any more. I was reluctant to introduce the Sleep Fairy, partly because I thought I could achieve my goals just by changing myself and partly because I was worried about how I’d stop it once I started it. But now I see that Tracey is right – the children need to change as well as me, and to do this they need some kind of incentive.

DAY SEVEN: Sleep Fairy success

Claire: Both children enthusiastically received the Sleep Fairy idea, and I’ve been leaving them a few pennies each if they behave. But they are still trying to push the boundaries. Although they go to bed with much less protest now, they have started trying to sleep in the same bed, so we’ve had to put a stop to that too.

DAY TEN: A forgotten note

Stuart: This weekend, the routine was disrupted as we had relatives staying. Last night, both Adam and Francesca were really good and were both in bed by 8.15pm – but I lingered outside the door and heard them plotting to get into bed together. I then went back in, only to catch Adam in the process of handing his teddy down to Francesca, prior to climbing down into her bunk himself!

Claire: I decided that Adam shouldn’t get a reward from the Sleep Fairy and left him a note explaining why. But we were in such a rush to get out of the house in the morning that we forgot to open the box I’ve been putting the rewards and notes in – so I don’t feel that I did very well there.

DAY TWELVE: Reward envy

Claire: Last night both children were extremely good, but Adam got up in the night and came into our bed so I decided not to give him a reward. In the morning, Francesca was jubilant that she had got something and Adam hadn’t, and Adam was slumped in misery over the breakfast table. I felt absolutely awful. Adam has also guessed that I am the Sleep Fairy, although that obviously hasn’t stopped him wanting the reward!

DAY FOURTEEN: Hard work, but worth it

Claire: Things are much better, and bedtime has dramatically reduced in length to about an hour, with the kids usually fast asleep by 8.15pm. But changing everyone’s behaviour, including my own, is difficult and it’s hard not to slip back into old habits. Having a new baby to cope with doesn’t make it any easier. I think we need another two weeks to reinforce what we’ve achieved.

Two children brushing their teeth before bedtime

Stuart: Doing this challenge has shown me that if you put in 100 per cent effort, you get the results – but sometimes it’s hard to keep to a routine when there are loads of other things going on. Having said that, bedtime has been transformed from marathon to manageable and Claire and I actually get a bit of time together in the evening, which is great.

The verdict

Tracey says: "Claire and Stuart have shown that they really want this new approach to work and have managed to turn Adam and Francesca’s bedtime routine around in a short time. They have shaved 30 to 40 minutes off the schedule and that really is a fantastic achievement. I think they still have some work to do in maintaining boundaries, but that will come in time if both Claire and Stuart keep up their current efforts."

Find out more

  • The Science of Parenting: Practical Guidance on Sleep, Crying, Play and Building Emotional Wellbeing for Life by Margot Sunderland (£16.99, Dorling Kindersley)

  • Teach Your Child to Sleep by Millpond Children’s Sleep Clinic (£9.99, Hamlyn)

Get involved

If you have a parenting problem and would like to take part in ‘Challenge Family’, contact us.

We would like to dedicate this article to the memory of Tracey Marshall, who tragically passed away not long after this article was first published.  Her work and expertise will live on through Millpond, the company Tracey co-founded, and also through the book and numerous articles she co-wrote.