Learning to share isn’t easy for little ones. We’ve all been there: your child has a friend round to play and screams blue murder every time his pal goes near one of his things. It’s embarrassing for you and distressing for your child when you ask him to hand over his precious toys. But the good news is that there are ways to help your child learn to share happily.

Why is sharing a problem for young children?

“Parents often worry that not sharing is a sign that their toddler will grow up selfish, rude and anti-social,” says Dr Christopher Green, author of New Toddler Taming. But this isn’t the case: it’s simply that toddlers aren’t developed enough to understand the concept of sharing. As Dr Green puts it: “While toddlers are very talented in many ways, sharing isn’t one of them.” 

As parents, we often have unrealistic expectations of our toddlers: they’re simply too young to be able to share happily most of the time. But that doesn’t mean you can’t start gently encouraging him to do it. “A good starting point is to praise your child every time he does share nicely, as this will make him want to do it again,” says Diane Rich, co-author of Learning: What Matters to Children.

When will he share?

Towards the end of their second year, children develop the capacity to understand about others’ feelings and sharing, but it’s important not to be too hard on your tot if he struggles with getting to grips with these ideas. Toddlers start learning to share from about age two and most get the idea by about age four. 

Tips for encouraging your child to share

Diane Rich and Tanya Markides, a nursery supervisor and mum of three children, offer the following advice:

1. Distraction can work wonders. If two children are fighting over a toy, hand them each an alternative toy and then tell them they can swap them in a little while.
   
2. Try using a timer for taking turns on popular toys. Show your child the timer and let him know when he has a minute left so that he can prepare to hand the toy to the next child.

3. If your child snatches a toy, explain to him how sad the other child must be feeling.
4. Don’t punish a child for not sharing. Concentrate instead on the positive behaviour: give lots of praise when your child does play nicely with other children.
5. Stay fair: it’s very important that you are seen to be treating both children equally.
6. Encourage your child to cooperate with other children when he plays, for example by building something out of bricks with another child, or by dressing up and role-playing where two children create a story between them.
7. Always stick to your word – if you promise your child a turn on the swing before you leave the park, make sure he gets it. If he knows he will eventually get his turn, he’ll be more willing to share next time.
8. Set a good example: children learn by copying. If you’re eating a banana, for example, give your child a piece, explaining that, while you’d like to eat it all yourself, you want to give him some too. This helps your child understand that sharing is about giving up a bit of what you want.
9. Have family mealtimes where food is shared so it is part of your child’s daily life and he starts to associate sharing with fun times.

Find out more

• Why do Kids do That? by Dr Richard C Woolfson (£14.99, Hamlyn)
  
  
• New Toddler Taming by Dr Christopher Green (£12.99, Vermilion)
  
  
• First hand experience: What Matters to Children by Diane Rich and (£20, from www.richlearningopportunities.co.uk)
  
  
• Understanding Children’s Play by Jennie Lindon (£13, Nelson Thames)

• Now read our feature on sibling rivalry

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