One day, as I was visiting a school, an eight-year-old girl accidentally stepped on my foot. Within a second she turned and said, “I’m sorry” as she looked me in the eye with a concerned expression on her face. What struck me about her response is that it happened so quickly. Politeness was such a natural part of her behaviour that she didn’t have to think before she acted. That’s a well-mannered child.

Kindness, politeness and respect are learned in the home. If taught when children are young, such qualities become a habit and part of the child’s personality. You wouldn’t put your 16-year-old in a car and let him drive without teaching him the rules of the road. Kindness, politeness and respect are the rules of the road in life, and teaching them helps ensure a safe and enjoyable journey for our children, as well as the people who they share the road with.

Try these tips to bring out the best in your kids:

Teach them early

How early? Try infancy! From the beginning, communicate with your baby by a soft word and a gentle touch. When your nine-month-old grabs a handful of your hair and pulls hard, don’t yell. Unfurl her fist and tell her to “be gentle”. She learns to be gentle from your example long before she understands the word.

Modelling manners

Between the ages of two and four, what children hear, they say. Let your child often hear you say, “please”, “thank you”, “excuse me” and “you’re welcome”. Though they don’t yet understand the social graciousness of polite words, toddlers conclude that “please” is how you ask for things and “thank you” is how you end an interaction.

Plant these social niceties into your children’s vocabulary early so they become a part of their developing speech. Your child will learn these words are important because Mummy and Daddy use them a lot with nice expressions on their faces.

Don’t force politeness

While it’s ok to occasionally remind a child to say please, avoid “Now say the magic word”. You run the risk of a child tiring of polite words.

Expect good manners

Polite children tend to be brought up in a home that expects good manners. Once I noticed a family entering a hotel. The father looked at his two sons and said, “Now, boys, hold the door for your mother”, which they did.

Five to ten year olds are searching for the norm, so let your child pick up the attitude that manners are the normal way people relate to one another and are not optional.    

Parental reminders

Children need frequent boosters from their parents, such as, “This is how we talk” or, “In our family, we do…” This reinforces the norms you have already taught.

Also, issue reminders prior to a social event. For example, if your child is having friends for a birthday party, show them what’s expected of them by saying: “Remember to greet each person at the door and say, ‘Thank you for coming’. When you open your presents, look at the person who gave you the gift and say something nice.”

Telephone manners

Most children love to answer the phone, so take the time to teach them how to talk clearly and what to say. It’s heartwarming to have a call answered by a child who says, “Hello, this is Harry. Yes, she’s here. Just a minute, please” or, “No, she’s not here. May I take a message?”

Address children by name

We've always used the name of our child when opening a request: “Hayden, will you please help me with the dishes?” Our children picked up on this and now address us by: “Mum, may I…” or “Dad, would you…”

Even though politeness didn’t always get them what they wanted, I always let them know I appreciated it.

Make eye contact

One of the most important social graces is teaching your child to look at people when she talks to them. The way you talk to your child teaches her how to talk to others. When addressing your child, squat to her eye level and engage eye-to-eye contact to get her attention. Open your request with, “Lily, will you please…” If her eyes wander, simply say, “Lily, I need your eyes. I need your ears.” Return eye contact when your child addresses you.  

No sibling rivalry

How children learn to treat their brothers and sisters sets them up for how they treat their peers. We have encouraged respect among our children by role-playing:

• Try the ‘protector’ role: teach your older child that he has the responsibility to protect the younger one. Say: “Pick up your toys so that the baby doesn’t fall over and get hurt.”
• Try the ‘teacher’ role: older siblings shine when they can pass on a skill.
• Try the ‘doctor’ role: when one child gets hurt, ask another to help care for the injured one.
• Give your child a job title: “Dr Lauren, would you put this plaster on Suzy’s cut?” It’s hard to hate the hands that help and comfort you.
• Set up cooperation: give them assignments that motivate them to work together, “Bobby and Jimmy, please clean up the garage. The sooner you finish, the sooner we can go to see a film.”
  (Read more tips for tackling sibling rivalry.)
  

Teach respect

Some parents teach their children to address adults as “Mr”, “Mrs”, “Ms” or “Miss”. Some children address their parents’ friends by their first names, while others use “Aunt” or “Uncle”.

Whatever is done in your family, teach your child what is expected of her in different situations. When you don’t know a person’s name, say “excuse me.” And if the person has a title, such as “Doctor” or “Reverend”, use it.

Respectful listening is another skill that’s important. Remind your child not to interrupt and to wait for an appropriate time to add their comments. When your child approaches you to talk, turn away from what you’re doing, make eye contact and listen with interest.

Empathy builders

Teaching empathy is developing your child’s capacity to care and imagine the effects of their actions on another person. Try these empathy-building exercises:

• Sharing feelings To help your child learn to translate what he does into how others feel, when he hurts himself say: “Ouch, that must hurt!”
• Switching place Once when two of our sons were squabbling, Jimmy said to Bobby, “You are dumb!” I said: “Jimmy, put on Bobby’s hat. Now I’m going to say ‘You’re dumb… How does that make you feel?’”
• Imagining Your child has made a birthday card for his grandmother. As he shows it to you, help him look ahead: “Imagine how great Grandma will feel after reading your card. She’ll be so pleased.”

Find out more

• Visit Dr Sears’ website: www.askdrsears.com
• The Good Behaviour Book by Dr William Sears and Martha Sears (£9.99, Thorsons )