"I want to stop nagging my son"

Constant nagging wears parents and children down. Here, Chloe and Sam take our challenge to break the nag/whine cycle in just two weeks

Published 01 Apr 2008
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The problem

Chloe says: “Sam is your typical seven-year-old boy — funny, boisterous, sweet, and at times a bit naughty. I love him to bits, but what gets me is how many times I have to ask him to do something before he actually does it. We have days where all I feel I’ve done is nag, and I hate shouting — it makes me feel like I’m a useless mum. I share Sam’s care with my ex-partner, Sam’s dad Sim. We think it’s important to use the same rules and parenting techniques with Sam, we’re just not sure which are the best ones!”

Eileen Hayes

Eileen Hayes

NSPCC parenting advisor, editor-in-chief of 'Your family' and mum of four.

The advice

Eileen says: “I was able to reassure Chloe that, far from being a ‘useless mum’, she was doing most things right, but that the nagging trap is very easy to fall into. Parents’ nagging is actually rather similar to children’s whining — it’s just a generalised way of asking for things to be done. Often, the request isn’t made in a way that sounds as if you expect your child to do it. Unless you give clear commands, your child may not realise you want something. Just as parents ignore constant whining, children tune out nagging requests. Because they are so used to them, they hardly notice. It’s very common for children around Sam’s age to assert some independence. Some refusal to do as they’re told should be thought of as part of them growing up, rather than as them doing it to irritate you!” 

  1. Set the example
    Children learn most behaviour from the way in which the adults around them behave. Nag less and your child may whine less. Simply demanding, “Do as I say,” while not demonstrating it yourself, never works. From clearing up to not swearing, try to lead the way.
  2. Be clear
    Avoid asking your child to do things over and over again. Instead, get down to their eye level and give a clear instruction such as, “Please clear your toys away now.” Body language and tone of voice are important, so say it like you mean it.
  3. Stay positive
    Avoid getting into a negative cycle. Praise works better than criticism, so try to have lots of times when you say something nice, such as, “I’m so pleased you cleared up when I only asked you once.”
  4. Explain expectations
    Sam is old enough for Chloe to explain the behaviour she expects and the rules she wants him to follow — but keep it simple. No small child can spend all their time following orders, so focus on key problem areas such as getting dressed in time for school. Reminder notes can help too.
  5. Reward good behaviour
    Sticker charts leading to a small reward for consistent good behaviour can help, for example, for brushing teeth when asked. The rewards don’t have to cost money, they could be an extra story or a day out.
  6. Add some laughs
    Don’t always be a disciplinarian; humour sometimes works really well. Try pretending to fall over those toys that need tidying up!
  7. Avoid arguments
    Most small children are good at having pointless arguments to get your time and attention! Tell your child what you want them to do. If necessary, repeat your request once more, warning that if they don’t do as they are asked there will be a consequence, such as they won’t have their toys or television for a short period. It may help to then walk away from them. You must always follow through your warning, so don’t say it unless you really mean it! 

    Here's how they got on 

    Chloe and Sam’s diary

    DAY ONE: Reassuring advice

    Chloe: I hate it when Sam just doesn’t listen and I have to say things again and again. So finding out from Eileen that this ‘selective hearing’ is part of Sam growing up, rather than a reflection of my ability as a parent, was really reassuring.

    All of Eileen’s tips made sense. Her main point about the relationship between nagging and whining was particularly useful — I hadn’t thought of it like that before, but it’s so true. I’ll often call over my shoulder for Sam to do something and then wonder why he hasn’t done it. So it’s eye contact from now on!

    Boy reading with mother Sam really liked Eileen’s suggestion of a sticker chart, as we haven’t done one for ages. We had fun choosing the important tasks he has to do, like brushing teeth without a fuss, eating well and using good manners. I discussed the ‘programme’ with Sam’s dad and he agreed with it all. 

    DAY TWO: Remembering to praise

    Chloe: We were packing to go camping, which I find stressful. I gave Sam a few simple tasks to do, including packing his clothes and toys. He packed the clothes but then started playing with the toys. Instead of nagging, I tried getting down on his level, looking into his eyes and saying things calmly and firmly — which had an immediate effect! I gave him loads of praise when he’d packed his bag and his face lit up. It was really lovely.

    DAY THREE: Sticker chart success

    Chloe: We were camping with another family whose kids all eat a healthy, varied diet — don’t you just hate that?! I was dreading giving Sam the couscous salad they’d made and thought he’d refuse to eat it, so I reminded him about the sticker chart and he ate a big bowlful. I told him I was really proud of him and he said, “Actually Mum, it was nice!”

    DAY FIVE: Staying focused

    Chloe: We got home last night and had to face unpacking this morning. Sam kept whining about inviting a friend to play and ignoring my requests for him to brush his teeth. I suddenly realised I wasn’t focusing on him, just the unpacking, and that we were getting into the nag/whine trap. So I calmly warned him that I’d remove a sticker from the chart if he didn’t brush his teeth. Then I walked away. He went to brush his teeth and I gave him lots of praise afterwards.

    DAY EIGHT: More time to talk

    Sim: I’m usually quite firm with Sam anyway, but Eileen’s ideas are definitely helping. For starters, Sam is getting dressed without being told now. This morning I said, “Come on Sam, get dressed,” when he already was dressed! He thought that was hysterical and looked really pleased with himself. What’s nice is it also means we get more time to chat over breakfast.

    DAY ELEVEN: Letting Sam decide

    Sim: We were having some trouble with bedtimes, so now I tell Sam he can make a choice — it’s either a story, or a bit more play and no story, which he has accepted. Giving him the power to decide has certainly helped, and either way he’s in bed on time.

    Boy playing with toys Eileen said that seven year olds need lots of talking to and listening to, so once Sam is in bed, we make special time to chat about the day. And if I’ve had to put my foot down about something, we usually talk about it then. 

    DAY TWELVE: Lightening the mood

    Chloe: I have sometimes resorted to ordering Sam to do something “before I count to ten.” Tonight, he wouldn’t get ready for bed so I said with a smile and in a bit of a teasing voice, “I bet you can’t do that before I count to ten,” and started counting in a slow motion voice: “Oooooone, twoooooo,” and so on. Sam shrieked with laughter and raced upstairs!

    DAY FOURTEEN: Less nagging, more fun!

    Chloe: It’s two weeks on and I’m giving lots more praise, staying positive and being firmer. It’s keeping most arguments at bay and Sam’s responding to boundaries better. It’s nice to think that he’s feeling proud to have done things right, rather than me having to nag to get the same result. To be honest, all of Eileen’s suggestions have helped. I’m spending a lot less time getting Sam to do stuff and it has made things much easier and loads more fun.

    The results

    Eileen says: I’m absolutely thrilled that the advice has helped so much. It just goes to show that a few simple changes that you make as a parent can make a big difference. It’s always important to think of the child’s point of view — and that has really helped here too.

    Find out more

    • If you're worried about a child's safety or welfare or if you need help or advice, ring the NSPCC Child Protection Helpline on 0808 800 5000 or email help@nspcc.org.uk.

    • Family Caring Trust
      www.familycaring.co.uk

    • Parents Advice Centre (Northern Ireland)
      www.parentsadvicecentre.org

    • Parentline Plus
      www.parentlineplus.org.uk
      0808 800 2222

    • ParentLine Scotland
      www.parentlinescotland.org.uk

    • How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk by Adele Faber & Elaine Mazlish (£10.99, Piccadilly Press)

    • What Can A Parent Do? by Michael Quinn and Terri Quinn (£6.50, Family Caring Trust) 

    Get involved

    If you have a parenting problem and would like to take part in ‘Challenge Family’, contact us.


    Words: Abigail Flanagan. Photography: Teresa Cottrell