Being a parent is fantastic, but we all know that sometimes — just occasionally — it can be far from plain sailing! However much you love your child, there are bound to be times when her difficult behaviour drives you to distraction. At these times, you might feel that your entire relationship with her is based on nagging, criticism and rejection. But don’t worry, Dr Richard C Woolfson, psychologist and father of two, has the key to becoming a positive parent. 

What is positive parenting?

If your relationship with your child is making you feel miserable, it’s time to wake up to positive parenting! It’s an approach that can help you to manage your child’s challenging behaviour more effectively, leading to happier results all round, and helping you to develop a strong and loving relationship with her at the same time. It needn’t be difficult to put into practice — and once you’ve tried it, you’ll never look back!

Positive parenting is not about pretending that everything is fine when it isn’t. It’s simply a practical approach to raising your child, with key elements including:

Looking for your child’s strengths
Don’t simply focus on the things your child does wrong. Positive parenting means acknowledging that she has lots of wonderful qualities too, and praising her for these, and for all her efforts and achievements.

Resolving conflicts
Fallouts between parent and child can last for a number of days. Resolving these disagreements as quickly as possible is important for maintaining happy family relationships.

Regaining control
A disruptive child can take over your life. Positive parenting means taking control again and making choices about how you live your life with your child. This brings benefits for the whole family.

Suggesting changes
It can be tempting to fall into a pattern of blaming your child. Instead, search for different ways to improve her behaviour by introducing changes that work for you both. 

Rejecting smacking
Hitting your child hurts her, makes her afraid and reduces her security with you. Positive parenting means choosing non-physical forms of discipline.

Actively listening to your child
Make a special point of listening to her and give her feedback that shows you understand what she says. This will strengthen your relationship.

Letting your child know how much you love her
Tell her how much you care about her and give her regular hugs and kisses.

Not criticising your child herself...
...just her negative behaviour, for example, “It’s not nice to fight with your friend”, rather than, “You’re horrible when you fight with your friend.”

Positive parenting solutions

"What should I do if…

…she makes a fuss in the supermarket?”

1. Explain to your child in advance that you expect good behaviour from her. If you know that she’s prone to this type of outburst in public, it can help to prepare her by speaking to her beforehand.

2. Take her away from the scene. Wherever possible, take her out of the supermarket the minute she kicks off. You can always come back later, on your own, if necessary.
3. Avoid the source of conflict. If you are not confident that she will be well-behaved in public, try to arrange for a friend or relative to look after her, while you shop.
   

…she fights with her brother?”

1. Teach conflict resolution. Help your child learn how to voice her feelings towards her siblings, and encourage her to do this rather than to react impulsively with a violent outburst when she feels annoyed with them.
2. Give tasks that require cooperation. A good strategy for improving behaviour between siblings is to give your child and her brother or sister a shared task, which they will have to work on together to complete.
3. Encourage your child’s sensitivity. Suggest she thinks about the effect her behaviour has on her siblings and that she considers them and not just herself.
   

…she’s uncooperative at bedtime?”

1. Give her time to wind down. As bedtime approaches, encourage your child to get involved in a calm, tranquil activity. This will help to settle her.
2. Follow a fixed routine. Structure your child’s pre-bedtime routine so that, as far as possible, she follows the same pattern each night.
3. Read her a bedtime story. She will begin to look forward to going to bed once she comes to associate it with a pleasant end to the day, and enjoying special time with you.

…she’s a fussy eater?”

1. Cut down on snacks between meals. It makes sense to reduce her food intake between meals, to heighten her appetite for the meals themselves.
2. Take a relaxed approach. No harm will come to your child from missing out on a full meal occasionally. Don’t try to force her to eat, and avoid confrontations.
3. Have family meals together. The best way for your child to learn good eating habits is through watching other family members eat properly.
   

When your child has special needs

Becoming a positive parent can feel like a greater challenge when a child has a disability — but it can be achieved. Try to focus on solutions rather than problems:

• If she lacks the curiosity you would normally expect in a child, make more of an effort to stimulate her interest by showing her a wider array of toys and by playing with her for longer
• If she has a limited concentration span, interact with her for shorter periods but have more of them during the day
• If she has slow speech development, try to stimulate her language by chatting to her, singing a song together and talking about pictures in books with her.
  

Find out more

• Download a free copy of the NSPCC's Think Positive leaflet
  
  
• Happy Children Through Positive Parenting by Elizabeth Hartley-Brewer (£7.99, Vermilion)
  
  
• Why Do Kids Do That? A Practical Guide to Positive Parenting by Dr Richard C Woolfson (£14.99, Hamlyn)
  
  
• Watch our short film on being firm without shouting