How to be a parent and stay calm

Having trouble keeping your cool? Here’s the definitive parents’ guide to staying cool, calm and collected

Published 01 Apr 2008
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Stick to the basics Concentrate on what matters: if everyone’s fed, clean, warm and happy, the rest isn’t essential. Don’t waste time worrying about things that don’t actually bother you that much!
Give yourself time “If you have a young baby, add at least half an hour onto any planning times, because you’ll always be running late. And always plan for a last-minute nappy change!”

Dan, dad of Maya, 17 months

Babies are innocent “Always remember that your baby doesn’t do anything ‘on purpose’ to upset you or wind you up,” says Chris Cloke, NSPCC advisor and dad of two.


Talking helps “Talk to other parents. I used to go to local baby group meetings each week and it was amazing to realise that other mums were finding it hard too. The pressure went off me a bit, and I found it easier to take the rough with the smooth.”

Sonya, mum of Jake, 3, and Rebecca, 18 months

Get out and about regularly If you have a young baby it's important to get out and about as often as possible. Just put your baby in the buggy and go! The exercise will help keep you on an even keel, and you won’t feel that you’re cooped up at home.

Take deep breaths “If you do reach screaming point with a young baby, put him safely in a cot and calm down,” says child psychiatrist Clio Bellenis. “I believe you can take a deep breath and start again.” See our feature on coping with a crying baby for more advice.

Tantrum alert If the dreaded supermarket tantrum happens, remember that everyone’s child does it (yes, even that angelic-looking toddler in the next aisle). Walk a few steps away and they may stop, or pick them up and take them outside.

Praise good behaviour Concentrate on the good things your child does — for your own sanity and in order to make more of them happen! “Most busy people ignore good behaviour, as this is when they can get on with other things,” says Clio Bellenis. “But then children learn to play up, as this is the speediest way of getting adult attention – after all, negative attention is better than none at all.” So remember to praise and cuddle!

Expressing emotions If your child shouts that they hate you, do remember that only a safe, secure child can behave like this. “It’s the ultimate compliment – although it may not feel that way at the time!” says a spokesperson from Parentline Plus.

Work out your own ‘flash points’ For example, if you know that mealtimes with your child are particularly stressful for you, at least you can brace yourself and take a few deep breaths beforehand!

Keep things in perspective Try to remember that many aspects of your young child's behaviour won't last. “Always tell yourself ‘this is just a phase!’”

Marcia, mum of Zak, 10, Christian, 7, and Alec, 4

Don’t have unnecessary battles Don’t get into a standoff over something that doesn’t matter. “If your child wants to do his own shoes, just let them try it – cut the battle out,” says Chris Cloke, NSPCC advisor and dad of two.



Give them responsibilities “Get older children to share the load. When you’re rushing around getting ready to go out, allocate tasks like packing drink bottles, fetching bats and balls and making the picnic. This really helps.”

Priya, mum of Suresh, 9, Dev, 7, and Tejas, 6

Be consistent By the age of five, children are able to understand rules and know that sometimes the answer has to be no. “Try to keep calm and use the ‘broken-record’ approach,” says Chris Cloke. “Just stick to your answer, and don’t let yourself be drawn into their endless asking ‘why?’”
Take time out Once your child is five, it’s okay for the two of you to take a proper break from each other when things get tense. “If your temper is fraying, say, ‘Enough of this, I’m going to the kitchen for a minute’,” says Clio Bellenis.


Don’t take on too much “Try not to get too ambitious with plans. Don’t cram your after-school evenings or weekends too full of visits and activities. Things involving kids always take longer than you estimate, and if you have to clock-watch you stop enjoying it.”

Theo, dad of two

Appear calm Even if you don’t feel calm, act as if you are. You may actually find that deliberately slowing down, lowering your voice and making yourself behave 'properly' works for you as well as the kids!

Treat yourself Have some calming treats up your sleeve – for yourself! Whether it’s a steaming scented bath, swimming lengths at your local pool, or that new book everyone’s talking about, you need something to look forward to when the kids are in bed, to get you through the day.

Take care of you “You have to look after yourself as well as the baby. My partner was great at making me eat a proper meal (which he’d cooked!) instead of crashing out with biscuits. It’s important. Otherwise, you’ve got no reserves.”

Aoife, mum of Maeve, 4, and Niamh, 20 months

Have a break Try to ensure that you have some child-free time to spend by yourself, with your partner or with friends, just to let your hair down.

Find out more

Words: Radhika Holmström. Illustration: Ana Diaz