Be a positive parent to over-threes

Want a better relationship with your children? Your family has some positive parenting tips for those with children three years plus

Published 01 Apr 2008

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Criticise the behaviour, not the child When you tell your child off, criticise her behaviour and not your child herself. “Say, ‘That’s a naughty thing to do’, rather than ‘You’re a naughty child’,” says Eileen Hayes, NSPCC parenting advisor and mum of four.

Let them to express their feelings Try to understand how your child is feeling inside. “Children need help to handle their emotions,” says educational psychologist Denise Thornton. “Encourage them to talk about how they feel. With young children, toys and drawing can help them to do this.”

Making rules “We had a list of family rules and the kids insisted Mum and Dad went on the chart too. I couldn’t believe how many times I was marked down for shouting. I realised I could hardly expect them not to shout when I was doing it.”

Marie, mum of Simi, 7, Rosie, 5, and Finn, 4

Get your child involved Boost your child’s confidence by letting her make some simple decisions, whether it’s choosing which clothes to wear or what present to buy for her friend.

Reward good behaviour Set up a promise chart, where you write up a promise – for example, a family day out – as a reward for good behaviour. “Remember to reward effort and not just results,” says Suzie Hayman of charity Parentline Plus. “It’s so much better to congratulate your child for trying, rather than for the outcome.”

Concentrate on the positive “I felt I was forever telling off one of our daughters. So our health visitor told us to focus on her good behaviour instead, however small, such as praising her for not making a mess with the toothpaste. It’s had a real effect.”

Dennis, dad of triplets Ali, Sophie and Grace, 4

Don’t be an 'embarrassing mum’ “We’re a really affectionate family but my oldest son doesn’t like me kissing him in front of his friends. I don’t want to embarrass him, so I save the hugs for when we’re at home. He says ‘Oh Mum!’ but his smile tells me he still loves it.”

Salma, mum of Karem, 8, and Nas, 6

Give the family a balanced diet Help your child behave better by giving her a well-balanced diet and avoiding foods high in sugar and artificial additives. “Sugar fuels excess energy often seen with poorly behaved children,” explains Your family’s nutritionist Suzannah Olivier. “Sugar also lacks vitamins and minerals, which boost calm brain function and balanced behaviour.”

Make a game of chores “My son makes such a mess but never clears up. So we now play a game where we set a timer and see how much we can tidy up before it rings. He loves it, although the toys don’t all end up in the right places!”

Nicky, mum of Aaron, 8, and Janie, 3

Saying sorry Everyone makes mistakes – children and parents – and you’re never too big to apologise to your child if you get it wrong. “Parents and children have to learn that they need to be forgiven and have the chance to get it right next time,” says Denise Thornton.

Find out more

Download a free copy of the NSPCC leaflet, Encouraging better behaviour
Parentline Plus
www.parentlineplus.org.uk
0808 800 2222
ParentLine Scotland
www.parentlinescotland.org.uk
0808 800 2222
Parents Advice Centre (Northern Ireland)
www.parentsadvicecentre.org
0808 8010 722
Healthy Food for Happy Kids by Suzannah Olivier (£10, Simon & Schuster)
Positive Parenting: Raising Children With Self-Esteem by Elizabeth Hartley-Brewer (£6.99, Vermilion)
The Complete Secrets Of Happy Children by Steve Biddulph and Sharon Biddulph (£12.99, HarperCollins)
Now read our feature on being a positive parent to under-threes

Words: Susie Boone. Illustration: Ana Diaz