"We love being a stepfamily"

Becoming a couple and creating a stepfamily can be tough, but it can be very rewarding too

Published 01 Apr 2008
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A new couple may only have eyes for each other, but what happens when one half or both has a ready-made family waiting in the wings? It’s hard enough bringing up kids in a traditional family, but for thousands of step families there are extra challenges to be faced. Here three couples reveal the highs and lows of forging their new families (some names have been changed to protect identities).

When Dad has kids already...
When Mum has kids already...
When you both have kids already...

When Dad has kids already…

Helen and Gary (above) met 12 years ago. Gary already had two daughters, Amy, now 19, and Carly, 18. Now he and Helen live in Chippenham, Wiltshire, and have their own child together, Kate, 2

Helen says:

“I was so nervous the day I met Gary’s daughters for the first time. Amy was eight and Carly was six. I had worked with Gary for 18 months before we got together, so I’d always been aware of their existence, but I didn’t meet them for some time as their mum had asked us to wait.

“I knew what Gary and I had was lasting so it was vital that we all got on. Luckily, it all seemed to go smoothly and, as there were no problems that first weekend, we soon fell into a routine of picking them up on a Friday or Saturday and dropping them off on Sunday night.

“It wasn’t long, however, before Carly said, ‘I don’t want a wicked stepmother.’ She was heavily into fairy tales at the time and could spend whole weekends in her Snow White outfit. If only there were positive images of step-parents in fairy tales!

“I did make a conscious decision not to try to be a mother to them. They already had a mum who was doing a great job, so I took a step back and tried to just be a friend.

“Eleven years later, and we still get on great. Amy is a student at Bath Spa University, and we sometimes have lunch together as I work in Bristol. With Carly, I’m more likely to be swapping baby tips as her little girl, Abigail, was born just nine months after Kate.

“Being a stepmother is like having two extra sisters who are just as much fun to have around as my own sisters.”

Gary says:

“I never had a sense that the family was incomplete before Kate arrived. I knew that Helen really wanted a baby, but I took some persuading. We waited until Amy and Carly were old enough not to want to see me every weekend before we even thought about having Kate.

“Now, hopefully, they have another reason to enjoy seeing us as they can catch up with their little sister.”

Lisa I'Anson’s tips

TV and radio presenter Lisa I’Anson, mum of Dylan and Deia, says the key to having a happy stepfamily is to ditch the guilt

Lisa with Dylan and Deia “We may not be the conventional family where Mummy and Daddy have kids, stay together forever and everyone is the same colour, but in the real world that just doesn’t always happen,” says Lisa.


“Ultimately, I have been true to myself — and that gives my kids the best mum I can be. Yes, I am now in my second relationship with Dylan’s second dad, but we are very happy. I don’t feel guilty or stressed, and I think that is the key to creating a happy family environment. My confidence creates a harmony; guilt just destroys that.”

When Mum has kids already…

Cathy, Edward and familyCathy, 37, and husband Edward, 35, got together after Cathy had spent three years being a single mum to her boys Mason, 10, and Dylan, 8, who has Asperger’s syndrome, an autistic spectrum condition. They now live in Sheffield and have two children together — Tom, 3, and Lucy, 2

Cathy says:

“It was really hard bringing up Mason and Dylan after I left their dad. However, that all changed when I met Edward, who just couldn’t wait to meet the boys and get to know them.

“Edward has been so supportive. It’s one thing having a stepkid, but it’s another thing having one with autism. It’s a steep learning curve for me too, so we pull together all the more.

“My ex-husband sees Mason and Dylan about once a year and calls once a month, but they still consider him to be ‘Daddy’. It’s galling when they talk about him in semi-heroic terms, and hard for Edward to hear too. He’s the one who reads to them at night and mops their fevered brows, but he knows that one day they may want to spend time with my first husband too.

“Mason might never call Edward ‘Daddy’, and one day we’ll have to explain that to the little ones, but I’m not worried. We’re so solid as a family that nothing can get in the way of our love for each other.”

Edward says:

“I’d always wanted lots of children and it didn’t matter to me at all that Cathy already had kids. In fact, it was great to join this little family, be part of the boys’ lives and see them grow and develop. When Tom was born, I was just thrilled to bits, but never thought of him differently to the two older boys. To me, all our children are just that: our children.”

When you both have kids already…

Maggie, 32, and James, 33, both had two children from previous relationships – James had Toni, 10, and Carrie, 7, and Maggie had twins Liam and Michael, 5. They married in 2003 and live in Wiltshire

Maggie says:

“It’s hard enough having twins, but when you realise that your relationship is breaking down, it’s awful. Fortunately, my family were supportive so I knew I’d be okay. It was a total bonus when I met James. I’d convinced myself that I’d never have another relationship — who’d want somebody with twins, after all?

“James’s kids were wary of meeting me. They’d had a tough time living abroad for a while and were quite unsettled. I tried to keep things really low key, crossed my fingers and hoped that we’d all get on.”

James says:

“When all four kids met for the first time they all looked at each other as if they were specimens from another planet. The twins were funny little toddlers — Toni was going through a princess phase and Carrie was quite keen on mothering the boys.

“After a few hours and lots of sweets, we realised that we hadn’t heard any sounds of trouble and went upstairs to check. They were all sitting and playing quite happily together with a video on in the background.

“But it’s not always peaceful. In the past, we have both felt conflicting emotions when our children were naughty and the other parent told them off. It’s hard to take a back seat and not leap to your child’s defence. But you have to project a united front, or the kids run rings round you.

“Now, I would say that — like ‘normal’ families — we have our moments, but we make sure that there are no ‘them’ and ‘us’ moments. It’s one for all, and all for one.”
Claire Halsey

Claire Halsey

Psychologist, parenting expert, mum of three and stepmum of two

Expert tips

Stepfamilies merge life experiences from past successes and mistakes, giving your new family plenty of resources to build a loving home for all.
  1. Your children will feel safer and more secure with as few changes as possible. Try to keep them in the same school and in contact with grandparents and old friends.
  2. Be consistent — agree on your parenting values and how you’ll handle both celebrating the children’s successes and managing the challenges they’ll present.
  3. Avoid any suggestion of calling a new partner “Mum” or “Dad”, as children may then feel disloyal to their other parent.
  4. Privacy can become an issue, so make some simple house rules — you could put a lock on the bathroom door or get everyone into the routine of knocking before they enter a bedroom.
  5. The non-resident parent may feel worried about someone else parenting their children or replacing them. Accept their concerns and make even more effort to arrange contact.
  6. After the novelty wears off, a few difficulties will be normal. Listening is your best asset if conflicts arise.
  7. Reassure children that you are not trying to replace their other parent, but do emphasise that you are going to parent them right now and stick to the rules you and your partner have agreed on.
  8. Set aside some time together and don’t let your focus on the children mean you neglect your love for each other.

Find out more

  • Making Friends With Your Stepchildren by Rosemary Wells (£6.99, Sheldon Press)

  • My Stepfamily by Rosemary Stones and Heather Dickinson (£3.99, Happy Cat Books)

  • Successful Step-Parenting by Bernadine Coverley (£6.99, Bloomsbury)

  • Stepfamilies by Suzie Hayman (£12.99, Simon & Schuster UK)

  • The Step-Parents’ Parachute: The Four Cornerstones to Good Step-parenting by Flora McEvedy (£10.99, Time Warner)


Words: Gabi Woolgar