More and more men are ditching the nine-to-five and opting to care for their children full time. About 200,000 men are now stay-at-home dads — that’s almost double the number in 1993, according to HomeDad.org.uk. Here three full-time dads share their experiences of being at home with the kids.

Darrell: “I’ve no fear of poo!”
Toby: “I don’t miss paid work”
Mark: “I can spend time watching him develop”

Darrell: “I’ve no fear of poo!”

“Charlotte had four months off after Leah’s birth and then went back to work,” says Darrell. “For the next two months, we were both working full time but found we were having endless childcare problems.

“I worked on a contract basis and as my current contract was coming to an end, Charlotte and I decided it would be best for me to swap work as an NHS researcher for life as a stay-at-home dad. It was a practical decision but, much more than that, it gave me the opportunity to spend time with Leah as a baby, which I had missed with Alex and Tegan. It also meant that Leah had one-to-one care in her own environment, which was very important to both Charlotte and myself.”

Charlotte agrees. “I’m so pleased that one of us was able to stay at home with Leah. She’s really thrived from spending so much time with her dad and I can relax and get on with my job knowing she’s with the person I trust most.”

“I had no qualms about taking on the role,” continues Darrell. “I knew how to change a nappy and had no fear of poo! But I did have to learn a new routine dictated by my little boss.

“In some ways, being at home is harder than nine-to-five paid work because work as a home-dad never finishes. I’ll also be up in the night, especially if Leah is unwell. But I don’t miss going out to work at all and have found it easy to make friends with other mothers, especially those I know through our church. I really have become an honorary mum!

“Of course, some of the mothers did occasionally look askance at me at first. I had the usual comments, suggesting I should be wearing L-plates. But they all soon realised that I was quite capable. After all, Leah’s hair was brushed and in plaits, and she didn’t smell…!

“It has helped that my family are very supportive of my new role. Just a few acquaintances have found it strange. One bloke actually said, ‘Don’t you feel less of a man?’ But nurturing is part of being a man.

“There have been a few practical problems, such as nappy-changing facilities being located in ladies’ loos. And now that Leah’s older, I don’t like taking her into men’s toilets.

“But being her main carer has helped us bond brilliantly. Not only that, it’s been beneficial for my older children too. Especially at primary school, children mainly have contact with women — mothers and female teachers — so having a man around is good for them.

“For me, seeing my children develop and increase in understanding has been magical, as has having the time to really play with them, to be able to have a good game of hide-and-seek rather than just giving orders. “Every man should spend time with his kids. It means you really get to know who they are. One dad said to me he’d give his right arm to do what I’m doing. I feel blessed to have had the opportunity.”

Toby: “I don’t miss paid work”

Toby and Sonia discussed their childcare plans even before Sonia became pregnant

“The moment the pregnancy test proved positive,” says Toby, “we knew I would be the one staying at home.”

It was the right decision for the whole family, as Sonia explains. “On my wage as a programme office analyst for an investment bank, we can afford to have one full-time parent. But also it made sense as my work has always been a career to me, whereas to Toby, who was in IT support, it was just a job.”

Toby was confident about his new full-time role. “I’m a godfather to five,
so I’d changed nappies before!” he says.

Sonia adds: “Although I miss Mollie, who’s now 22 months, Toby has always been the more patient one, so it made sense for him to stay home.”

“I don’t miss paid work,” says Toby, “as I believe I still work – probably more now than ever. Maybe the only thing I miss a little is the social side.

“So that I’m not entirely reliant on Sonia financially, the child benefit comes to me as ‘my’ money to spend on Mollie, which is nice at Christmas and birthdays, and also protects my basic state pension.

“Having me at home is definitely what we wanted for Mollie. She gets constant individual attention and a level of love that a nursery can’t give. And I’ve been so lucky to see things many dads miss.

“There have been so many great moments — the first time Mollie said ‘Daddy’, the first time she started blowing kisses… and now as a toddler she’s learning all sorts of new things. She takes great delight in tearing off loo roll a sheet at a time and flushing it away!

“The two of us go to lots of playgroups together, including one I run for the local National Childbirth Trust. As a father, going to a new group can be odd at first – but now that people recognise me and Mollie, it’s fine. “Our second child is due in June and I’ll certainly continue being a full-time dad. Then, when they’re both at school, I’ll get a part-time job. But I won’t be re-joining the rat race. Taking care of my family is far more important.”

Mark: “I can spend time watching him develop”

Mark, from County Durham, hadn’t planned on being a stay-at-home dad. But after a college course failed to materialise into a promised job, he and his wife Ruth decided it made financial sense to stop paying nursery fees and for Mark to stay at home with their son, Alex, now 3

“Making the adjustment was very hard at first. Since leaving school I’ve worked full-time in many different jobs, including engineer, gallery owner and classroom support assistant, so staying at home was a real challenge. Working is a lot easier!”

“The difficulty at first wasn’t so much the practical side of looking after Alex, but getting into a sensible, comfortable routine.”

Ruth has backed Mark all the way. “I do occasionally feel I’m missing out,” admits Ruth, “but I’m really happy Alex is in good hands.”

Mark says: “I take Alex, who’s now almost four, to a playgroup on Mondays and Wednesdays. At some groups, I do get the odd raised eyebrow or cold shoulder. I left one group after a couple of weeks because no mother would speak to me! There used to be a dads’ group every Friday morning but unfortunately that’s finished now.

“Despite getting the odd funny look, most people think it’s a great thing I’m doing. If I do get a negative reaction — more likely from a man than a woman — I just shrug it off.

“The best thing about looking after Alex has been witnessing his developmental milestones. I can also see where his strengths are and his weaknesses too, especially in speech and potty training. I can spend more time helping him develop, whereas in a room full of children at a nursery he wouldn’t get so much attention.

“Having said that, I must admit I do miss work. I miss the financial independence. I’m always asking, ‘Is it OK if I buy this?’ And even though we’ve always had a joint account, I still feel that the money is Ruth’s.

“I miss the chat with the lads too. But now I’ve got involved with dads’ groups and have met other guys in my position. Three of us get together regularly and it’s become much easier. “In the end, having such an influence over Alex’s development has been great.”

Find out more

• Fathers Direct
  www.fathersdirect.com
  
  
• HomeDad UK
  www.homedad.org.uk
  
  
• Full Time Father by Richard Hallows (£9.99, White Ladder Press)