Work at your relationship
Working to keep your relationship strong after having a baby will make a firm foundation for a happy life
You and your partner are most likely thrilled to be parents, but you may not be prepared for how much your life – and your relationship – is going to change now that you have a baby. Here’s what to expect, and how to deal with it.
Understanding the changes
Your relationship may change in many different ways after you have a baby, and just finding the time to talk to each other in the early weeks can be a struggle, as Sarah, mum of Chloe, 11, Matilda, nine, and Florence, four, found out: “Our first child had terrible colic and she used to scream for four to five hours every evening. We used to take it in turns to sit with her and rarely even managed a conversation.”
Sometimes, too, the mother-baby bond can be so consuming during the early months that dads can feel like a spare part. And for mums who worked before the baby was born, it may be difficult to adjust to being at home with a baby once their partners go back to work.
Sex is another common cause of arguments – new mums’ fluctuating hormones may mean that they’re not in the mood, which might upset their partners, making them feel undesirable.
Caring for baby together
Sharing the babycare chores right from the start is one way to keep your relationship strong. It helps prevent resentment, and means that you both feel a strong bond with your baby. “Mums can help by encouraging dads to help as much as possible – not trying to do everything themselves, but letting dads have hands-on experience of caring for the baby,” says Elizabeth Martyn, a counsellor at Relate.
Sharing the housework
When you’re both working and have no children, it’s easy to divide up the housework. But after a baby is born, lots of couples find the housework tends to get left to the woman.
This often carries on when she goes back to work, and it’s a very common cause of rows.
“It can be hard for the partner who’s out all day to realise just what it’s like to stay at home with a baby. One simple way to demonstrate to a partner who thinks staying at home is a soft option is to let him experience it for himself,” says Elizabeth.
It’s a good idea to sit down and draw up a list of who’s going to do which chore. “Take on the jobs you prefer. If one of you loves cooking, fine, let the other one shop instead. If you both hate ironing, take it in turns,” says Elizabeth.
Rediscovering your sex life
Most mums have a postnatal check-up with their GP about six to eight weeks after having a baby, and some dads see this as a green light to rekindle their sex life. But the reality is that many women don’t feel like having sex for a good few months after having a baby.
One reason is tiredness: sleep is now way more important than sex. Add to this the fact that many women don’t feel at their most attractive straight after having a baby, and then there’s the problem of finding the time between feeds and nappy changes.“Partners need to treat each other with great understanding and affection in order to avoid feeling rejected. Keep some physical contact going – hugs, kisses, snuggles on the sofa, a massage – if you don’t feel like sex. Try to talk about what’s happening rather than retreating in silence to the other side of the bed,” says Elizabeth.
Making time for each other
With a baby to consider, a night out can seem like a military operation. It’s tempting not to bother, or to just go out separately with friends instead. But you can still make time for each other now you’re parents, you’ll just need to plan ahead for evenings out or they simply won’t happen.If finding a babysitter is tricky, join or start a babysitting circle with other mums. It’s free and the sitters are all experienced with children. Also remember that, as Elizabeth says, “Time together doesn’t have to happen outside the house. You can squeeze stray moments into most days.”
Sarah agrees: “We were always strict about the children’s bedtime in the early years. Once they were in bed at 7pm we’d sit and have a meal together and talk – that time alone was our sanity.”
Find out more
- Relate
www.relate.org.uk
- Parentline Plus
www.parentlineplus.org.uk
0808 800 2222
- ParentLine Scotland
www.parentlinescotland.org.uk
0808 800 2222
- Parents Advice Centre (Northern Ireland)
www.parentsadvicecentre.org
0808 8010 722
- BabyShock! Your relationship survival guide by Elizabeth Martyn (£7.99, Vermilion)
- Stop arguing, start talking by Susan Quilliam (£6.99, Vermilion)
- Read two couple's post-baby relationship diaries and our features on bonding with your baby for mums and for dads
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