Introducing your new partner
If you are a separated or divorced parent, you'll probably begin a relationship with a new partner at some point, but how do you sensitively introduce your children to the new situation?
The way you introduce your child to a new partner will have a big impact on how he deals with his new circumstances, so it’s important you handle the situation with care.
“When I split from Holly’s dad, she was only seven and I was so disappointed for her. It was another year before I met my current partner, but I knew that it was important to show Holly that, although some partnerships break down, it is possible to rebuild trust and love with someone new,” says Anne-Marie, mum of Holly, nine.
When should you introduce a new partner?
A lot depends on how long it is since you broke up with your ex. Children need time to adjust to a new situation before being presented with another. “I think it’s best to leave introducing someone new until the dust of your break-up has settled,” says Paula Hall, a relationship counsellor at Relate (see Find out more, below).
“Another factor to consider is how your ex-partner is dealing with the situation,” says Paula. “If your ex already has a new partner and several years have passed since the split, it will be a lot easier to introduce your new partner to your child. But if your ex is alone and still recovering from the break-up, you may need to wait a little longer.”
If you don’t live with your child, it might be better not to involve him until you and your partner are ready to move in together. “The time you spend with your child is already limited, so asking him to share that time with a new partner may lead to resentment,” explains Paula.
Your child and your ex
Even if your separation was unpleasant, it doesn’t mean your child loves your ex-partner any less. In fact, some children feel very 
protective towards their other parent. Your child may have strong feelings of guilt or sympathy but feel afraid to show them in case you get angry or upset.
“When I split from Luke’s mum he was five, and we decided he should live with her,” says Dave, dad of Luke, seven. “But it turns out he was worrying from then on about me being lonely. Because of this, it was fairly smooth going when I introduced him to my new girlfriend, and he seems willing to trust her, which is great.”
Once you’ve introduced a new partner you may find that your child suddenly wants to spend more time with your ex. “It’s perfectly normal for a child who has let his guard down and accepted someone new to then want to remind people how much they love their own mum or dad,” says Paula.
The important thing is to make it clear to your child that, although there’s no chance that you and your ex will get back together, you both love him as much as ever.
What to expect from your child
How well your child understands his new situation partly depends on his age — obviously a child of five won’t be able to understand it as well as a 12-year-old. Whatever age he is, he may not want to talk about his feelings to begin with. Just let him know that you’re willing to talk and answer questions when he’s ready.
Don’t assume your child will fall in love with your new partner just because you did. He may be reluctant to show affection at first because he’s worried about betraying his other parent or making himself vulnerable.
“It’s unlikely to actually be your new partner that your child dislikes, but what they represent,” says Paula. “Knowing there’s a new person in your life means your child has to let go of any hopes he may have had of his parents getting back together.”
Meeting for the first time
- It’s best to keep things low-key at first.
- Do something quite ordinary together, such as going to the park or eating lunch together.
- Encourage your new partner to be friendly, but not overly eager.
- Try not to completely focus on your child, but do involve him in your conversations, just as you normally would.
- Avoid kissing, cuddling and holding hands with your new partner in front of your child, as this will probably make him feel uncomfortable — just behave like good friends to begin with.
Be prepared for rejection
If your child rejects your new partner, it will of course be upsetting, but be careful how you deal with this rejection. You don’t have to give your partner up, but perhaps try to tone the relationship down a little and concentrate more on your child for a while.
“If you had problems in your previous relationship for a while, or if you’ve been separated for some time, the chances are that you’ve become especially close to your child and have spent lots of time with him,” says Paula. “In this case, he’ll understandably resent a stranger coming in and taking your attention away from him.”
Instead of inviting your partner into your home, get a babysitter and spend time together somewhere else. If you do bring your partner home, provide some other entertainment for your child, such as inviting a friend round to play. Alternatively arrange visits at times when your child is with his other parent.
Take your time
Don’t rush to build a relationship between your new partner and your child too quickly. Accept that your child may never come to love the new person in your life in the same way that you do. Remember too that, although your first priority must always be your child, you shouldn’t jeopardise your own happiness.
It’s a fine balance and your new partner will need to be understanding. The key to a success is taking one step at a time, and being prepared to make some compromises along the way. “Two years and a lot of small steps later, we’re getting comfortable with each other as a new family unit, and Holly still has a great relationship with her dad,” says Anne-Marie.
Find out more
- Relate
www.relate.org.uk
- Help Your Child Cope with Your Divorce by Paula Hall (£8.99, Vermilion)
- Now read our feature on stepfamilies
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