Child abuse: What if you were right but did nothing?

If your instinct tells you that something is wrong in another family and you’re worried about a child, you can help by speaking out

As a loving parent, it’s hard to believe that not all people feel the same about their children. Shockingly, one in ten children in the UK are neglected or psychologically abused and it’s most likely to be by someone known to the child or in her extended family. While cases like that of Baby Peter make headline news, most are not even referred to the authorities, and an estimated one million children a year are suffering emotional, physical or sexual abuse or neglect in silence*.

What should I do if I suspect a child is in danger?

If you’re worried about a child and know the family well, start by talking to them — one of our readers did just that after we ran a feature on spotting abuse.

“As I read Reach out, protect a child, alarm bells rang in my head,” explains Alison. “My daughter’s friend, who spends a lot of time at our house, had been displaying worrying signs. She always seemed very quiet and unhappy, but never wanted to go home. When she played with my daughter’s dolls, she was very rough with them.

“I invited her mum round for coffee and left Your family open at the relevant page. I saw her face fall and she confessed she feared her new boyfriend was abusing her daughter. With the support of her friends, she has kicked him out and he has been questioned by the police.”

But how can you be sure that a child’s difficult behaviour is not just a stage they’re at, or that an injury wasn’t accidental? After all, every parent has off days.

“If you are still concerned after talking to the family or can’t discuss your worries with them, ring the 24-hour NSPCC Helpline,” says Chris Cloke, head of child protection awareness at the NSPCC. “If there is cause for concern, the Helpline will take the necessary action, including making a referral to social services.”

You may feel it’s none of your business or be nervous of what will happen next, but the family won’t know you reported them. “If social services get involved, it’s rare that children are taken into care — everything is done to support the family and keep them together,” reassures Chris.  “Put the child’s needs first — if you think she is in immediate danger, ring the police or social services straight away.”

Speaking out about child abuse

A child may not be able to speak out if they fear that no one will believe them or that they will be punished, or if they blame themselves. Also, if it is a family member, the child may still love their abuser and be torn between wanting to stop the abuse and not wanting to get anyone in trouble.
“When eight-year-old Kirsty told me she and her younger sister, Sarah, were being bullied for being smelly, it convinced me that something was really wrong at home,” says Anita**, a teacher at the girls’ primary school and mum of two. “It was hard to know at what point to intervene, but the girls often came to school late and were sometimes grubby and hungry.”

Anita was right to worry: “After the school got in touch with social services, a home visit revealed that the girls’ parents were out and their 12-year-old sister was trying to make a sandwich with mouldy bread while looking after their baby brother. The house was filthy and made worse by the three dogs, who weren’t all house-trained."

Social services approached an NSPCC family centre to work with the parents and establish routines, helping them with budgeting, hygiene and cooking nutritious food, as well as learning to put their kids' basic needs first.

“One day Kirsty bounced into school saying she was inviting two friends to her house for a sleepover,” remembers Anita. “I felt so happy that this little girl’s life had been completely turned around. It was proof that I’d done the right thing.”

Noticing the signs of abuse

It’s even more important to speak out when the child is too young to ask for help. Four-year-old Jack** was very withdrawn and didn’t have many friends. What most people didn’t realise was that Jack’s mother often lost her temper when she was drunk and his father physically and verbally abused them both.

A neighbour heard these violent attacks and told the NSPCC Helpline she had noticed bruises on Jack’s body. As soon as the call ended, the NSPCC contacted the police and Jack was removed from the family home. He was covered in cuts and bruises and further examination revealed he had suffered a broken arm in the past that had gone untreated. Jack’s parents were charged and he now lives with his aunt and uncle, where he is overcoming the trauma.

But not every case is this clear-cut. Even if you don’t have any proof but are worried about potential abuse, you can still discuss your worries with the NSPCC Helpline or local social services, as Cassie† discovered.

Talk about your worries

Cassie’s best friend Ellie started going out with a man who had contacted her on a dating website but who lived quite far away: “We met up for a girly night and the wine flowed. It was a shock when Ellie let slip there had been an ‘incident’ in his past and that Steve was on the sex offenders register,” says Cassie. “I was completely stunned but she told me that he didn’t do anything and it was a mistake.”
As godmother to Ellie’s eight-year-old daughter Jade, Cassie had both their interests at heart. “I knew that some sex abusers try to get close to kids by meeting single mums. It’s even common for them to look for women away from where they live to prevent them being spotted by the authorities.
“When I next babysat Jade, she told me Steve was coming to visit — I had to do something. I’d no idea what he’d done — all I knew was that he was a registered sex offender and my lovely, funny, stupid friend was letting him get close to Jade. I phoned social services and they said I’d done the right thing and that my concerns would be followed up if there was any risk to Jade.

“The next few days were hell and I jumped whenever the phone went. I fretted that it would affect my relationship with Ellie... But nothing happened! A week later, Ellie told me ‘things haven’t worked out with Steve’ — she didn’t want to go into details, and that was fine by me!”

Child abuse isn’t easy to talk about but, if you are concerned for a child, please tell someone.
As Cassie says, “You may be right, you may be wrong… But what if you were right and did nothing? It doesn’t bear thinking about.”

Find Out More

• If you're worried about a child's safety or welfare or if you need help or advice, ring the NSPCC Helpline on 0808 800 5000 or email help@nspcc.org.uk
  
  
• Download a free copy of the NSPCC's leaflet Are You Worried About A Child?
  
  
• ChildLine
  www.childline.org
  0800 1111