"Now I'm not piggy in the middle”
One month after taking our Challenge to grow closer as a step-family, mum Lynsey tells us how they're getting on
Being a step-parent or a stepchild can be tough. Counsellor Suzie Hayman was on hand recently to give her expert tips (see below) to mum Lynsey, her sons Toby, 8, and Oliver, 1, and her partner Patrick, to help them bond. Read Lynsey's blog to see how the step-family has been getting on since completing their Your family Challenge:
“It’s been a few weeks since our Challenge finished and, as a family, we’re extremely proud of how it has helped us strengthen our relationships.
“We’re especially proud of Toby for working on his relationship with Patrick, and there have been some amazing improvements in their ‘bond’ as step-dad and stepson. I think some good old-fashioned stubborn male behaviour got in the way in the past, and now those barriers have been broken.
“Before the Challenge it was like living in a battle zone, with Toby and Patrick acting like arch enemies unable to agree on anything. Communication between the two of them has improved ten-fold. In the past, their differing opinions would result in an argument, but now we have ‘peace talks’!
“Sometimes I even find I'm on the receiving end of their strong male wills, with the two of them working together rather than as enemies, and as the only girl in the house I don’t stand a chance!
“Although we don’t stick to the rules as if they were cast in stone, they’re on the fridge for all to see. From time to time Toby happily reminds us if we are breaking any of them.
“I think we would all agree that the biggest improvement since the Challenge is our new-found ability to laugh and be close as a family. There is no divide among us now and we all feel equal and at ease with expressing our opinions when something is bothering us.
“Toby and Patrick spend more time as a ‘twosome’ and, better still, these times aren’t planned just because the rules say so. They genuinely enjoy time together, particularly when I’m not around to spoil the party!
“Toby has enjoyed building up his ‘big brother’ relationship with Oliver and the two of them seem to have bonded much more. It’s given Toby the opportunity to be ‘grown-up’, which has definitely affected how he interacts with me and Patrick. He now understands what having responsibilities means and that life isn’t always a party.
“Another plus point is that I don’t feel like piggy in the middle anymore. Before the Challenge, Patrick sometimes felt I was taking sides with Toby, and not supporting him. Now the pair of them are negotiating better; in most cases I don't even know that an issue has come up.
“Suzie’s advice wasn’t difficult to work into our lives. She gave us common-sense solutions that, in many cases, we were already aware of. We just needed to make better sense of the mess we’d found ourselves in and agree that we were all responsible for putting things right together.”
Suzie Hayman
Counsellor on the BBC series Stepfamilies
Expert tips
Suzie says: “The problems Lynsey and Patrick face are normal — they’re not incompetent and Toby isn’t bad. Some simple steps will put them on the path to a happier family life.”
- Set some rules
Call a family meeting to agree a set of rules you should all stick to. - Don't force contact
You say Toby finds it hard to receive physical affection, but over the summer he loved applying sun lotion. Why not suggest he gives you a hand or foot massage with cream? Follow this by telling Toby you love him and show it in little hugs. Don’t expect a response immediately — give it time. - Recognise feelings
Accept Toby’s negative feelings. It’s natural for him to feel jealous or left out, and much of his behaviour shows he wants you to recognise his feelings. If you say, “Sounds like you’re angry,” he won’t have to act up. - Quality time
The changes to family life that Toby has experienced are traumatic and he needs as much attention and special time as Oliver. Plan in things like bedtime stories, playtime, listening time… - Keep in touch
Oliver has one thing that Toby doesn’t have and misses — the daily contact and love of a father. It might help if Toby’s dad was in daily contact via phone calls, texts or email. - Don’t compete
Patrick shouldn’t feel the need to compete with Toby’s dad by going out to get fast food or by making trips to the cinema. Have special time chilling out at home — make a meal together, watch a video, read a book, kick a football about and play games. - Brother bonding
Trust Toby with his brother. Tell him you accept that he can feel angry and jealous, but he can’t act on this by hurting Oliver. After this you can start to let Toby hold, carry and care for Oliver. - Understanding
Put yourself in Toby’s shoes and understand how he feels. Although you all have strong feelings, don’t compete. Remember that you’re the grown-ups in this situation.
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