"Help us to bond as a stepfamily"
Being a step-parent or stepchild can be tough. Our expert Suzie Hayman eases the tensions for mum Lynsey, her partner Patrick and boys Toby, 8, and Oliver, 1
The problem
Lynsey says: "Toby (my son from a previous relationship) taunts my long-term partner Patrick, saying he’s just my boyfriend not his dad. Patrick argues back, not realising eight year olds don’t think like adults, and I’m piggy in the middle. Toby is also jealous of Oliver, my son with Patrick, who needs lots of attention as he has kidney and bowel problems, plus asthma."
Patrick says: "I’d like to be a father figure for Toby but he rejects that. He sees his dad at weekends when they do fun activities like swimming and going to the cinema... I can’t compete."
Suzie Hayman
Counsellor on the BBC series Stepfamilies
Expert tips
Suzie says: “The problems Lynsey and Patrick face are normal — they’re not incompetent and Toby isn’t bad. Some simple steps will put them on the path to a happier family life.”
- Set some rules
Call a family meeting to agree a set of rules you should all stick to. - Don't force contact
You say Toby finds it hard to receive physical affection, but over the summer he loved applying sun lotion. Why not suggest he gives you a hand or foot massage with cream? Follow this by telling Toby you love him and show it in little hugs. Don’t expect a response immediately — give it time. - Recognise feelings
Accept Toby’s negative feelings. It’s natural for him to feel jealous or left out, and much of his behaviour shows he wants you to recognise his feelings. If you say, “Sounds like you’re angry,” he won’t have to act up. - Quality time
The changes to family life that Toby has experienced are traumatic and he needs as much attention and special time as Oliver. Plan in things like bedtime stories, playtime, listening time… - Keep in touch
Oliver has one thing that Toby doesn’t have and misses — the daily contact and love of a father. It might help if Toby’s dad was in daily contact via phone calls, texts or email. - Don’t compete
Patrick shouldn’t feel the need to compete with Toby’s dad by going out to get fast food or by making trips to the cinema. Have special time chilling out at home — make a meal together, watch a video, read a book, kick a football about and play games. - Brother bonding
Trust Toby with his brother. Tell him you accept that he can feel angry and jealous, but he can’t act on this by hurting Oliver. After this you can start to let Toby hold, carry and care for Oliver. - Understanding
Put yourself in Toby’s shoes and understand how he feels. Although you all have strong feelings, don’t compete. Remember that you’re the grown-ups in this situation.
Here's how they got on
Lynsey and Patrick's diary
DAY ONE: Helpful advice
Lynsey: Talking to Suzie has made me feel very positive as her advice was so practical. We’re already letting Toby be more hands-on with Oliver — tonight he bathed him and he loved the responsibility.
Patrick: Suzie has helped me think about issues I didn’t realise I had — my own childhood was fatherless and I grew up with a stepdad.
DAY TWO: Family rules
Lynsey: We’ve just had a family meeting. Toby was very vocal! So, here are our rules:
- When possible, we’ll sit down and eat our evening meal together
- Toby will help bath Oliver and get him ready for bed at least once a week
- One of us will have one-to-one time to play games with Toby at least one evening a week after school
- Nobody is allowed to ‘snitch’ on another person — instead they must discuss the issue with the person involved
- At the weekend we’ll try to do something fun, such as go for a picnic or go swimming
- Toby will have supervised play with Oliver before bed
- Toby will continue to phone his dad on Wednesdays and Sundays — if he has special news he can ring him then too
- After 8pm is ‘Mum and Patrick time.’ Toby must go to bed at that time on school days. If he behaves he can stay up later at weekends but must not argue, or try to dominate TV viewing or the conversation.
Patrick: It’s good to have set the rules. Toby, Oliver and I went to Toby’s favourite kids’ play centre yesterday and Toby loved being Oliver’s protective big brother.
DAY THREE: Relaxing together
Lynsey: The massage idea is working brilliantly. Toby has gone from cricket lover to beautician! We’ve also spent a lot of time in the garden playing football (Toby loves this as he can laugh at me!).
Patrick: I feel increasing the agreed contact Toby and his dad already have is not likely to improve the situation — it may be counter-productive when I’m struggling with Toby. That’s why we’re sticking at the twice-weekly phone calls and twice-monthly visits.
DAY FIVE: Dinnertime discussions
Lynsey: We’ve revised our meal plan so we eat round the table three times a week, but later when Oliver’s in bed as he can disrupt things a bit. Last night we talked about aeroplanes, then after dinner Toby looked them up on the internet, so at least our chats are informative. Toby’s loving the big-brother responsibility — he even asked to take Oliver to the library alone! However, instead of just snapping “No!” we explained why he couldn’t.
Patrick: I’ve spent lots of time watching Toby playing cricket. He loves an audience and actually prefers it when I go. We’ve managed the battle for the TV remote by recording the programmes Toby likes.
DAY SIX: Managing conflict
Lynsey: I’m getting better at dealing with conflict. For example, when they were ‘play fighting’ with a teddy, Patrick accidentally bumped Toby’s arm. Toby made a drama out of it and Patrick was upset. I simply asked Toby what had happened and, of course, it was completely innocent and a row was avoided.
Patrick: The incident was very valuable in another way. We explained to Toby that if he cries wolf, we may not believe him if he is really hurt one day.
DAY SEVEN: More contact
Lynsey: Toby’s at his dad’s this weekend. Before he went, we played board games, which Toby reminded me was in the rules! There’s been more contact too — I’ll put my arm around his shoulder walking down the street for example.
DAY NINE: Back from Dad's
Patrick: I was watching a fun film when Toby got back from staying at his dad’s. He sat straight down to watch it with me, so that eased him back in really nicely.
DAY TWELVE: Test for Toby
Lynsey: Yesterday a trip to the hospital for Oliver ended up being an eight-hour visit — a true test for Toby! But he was good and Patrick and I were far more mindful of his feelings (boredom!). That evening we let him stay up a bit later so we could spend time with him without Oliver.
DAY FOURTEEN: Feeling positive
Lynsey: The Challenge is a definite success. We’ve learned to deal with things before they blow up and it's opened our eyes to how our behaviour affects each other. Toby’s more thoughtful and loves interacting with Oliver. I’m positive, but know it’s easy to slip back into old habits. If we all pull together it can work.
Patrick: I’m so happy things are in the open. I feel I’ve the right to tackle Toby — and I can be tackled too! It’s stopped things getting out of control.
The verdict
Suzie says: "After just two weeks Lynsey and Patrick realise how little things — trusting Toby with Oliver, Lynsey putting her arm around Toby in the street — can make such a difference. They’ve also discovered it’s vital to understand how others feel and, now Patrick knows Toby isn’t against him, he’s far more confident as a step-parent. Also, positive parenting takes less effort than the old way of constant battles. So that’s a real incentive to continue!"
Find out more
-
Parentline Plus
www.parentlineplus.org.uk
0808 800 2222 -
Joined-up Families (DVD and leaflet about life in a stepfamily. £10 to hire or £40 to buy. Visit www.leedsanimation.org.uk for more information.)
- Teach Yourself Successful Step-Parenting by Suzie Hayman (£9.99, Hodder Education)
- Now read Lynsey's blog for an update on family life after the Challenge.
Words: Kate Ashley. Pictures: Teresa Cottrell
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