Explaining divorce and separation

Three women who have been through divorce talk about how they coped and what couples can do to make separation easier for their children

Although divorce rates have been dropping, according to National Statistics Online, thousands of children are affected by it every year. Here three women talk about the effect on them and their children and how they came through the experience. Also Relate give their top five tips for separating parents.

Claire and Mark

Claire, 42, runs her own successful interior design company in Bath and is a single mum to her son, Jack, 8. Five years ago, in the aftermath of her marriage break-up, she wondered if there would ever be light at the end of the tunnel.

“I was 26 when I met Mark. He was this exciting, wheeler-dealer, charismatic charmer, like nobody I’d ever met before. He was born in South Africa and our marriage started joyfully with a glamorous new life in Johannesburg and a baby on the way. But shortly after I found out I was pregnant, there were signs of the relationship deteriorating. In Mark’s eyes, I stopped being an exciting, self-confident businesswoman and turned into a fat, hormonal, non-drinking frump.

“When Jack was born, Mark made the effort to behave in the way he thought he should but, in retrospect, he always put his business ambitions first. I don’t think Mark really bonded with Jack — he never changed his nappies and was too scared to pick him up. That’s when my feelings of resentment started, and, even though we were all living under the same roof, I felt like a single mother.”

Claire made the difficult decision to return to the UK with two-year-old Jack and they divorced a year later.

“After each visit from Mark, I’d find that Jack desperately missed his father and I noticed that he really latched onto other men in his life, such as my father. I think he also finds it hard to deal with his peers because he doesn’t have a father figure at home, and he shows off in an attempt to impress them.

“The one thing I didn’t want to do, though, was immediately hook up with another man, or series of men, and introduce him to my latest boyfriends. That was the main thing I realised after the divorce — that your child really influences your decision to take on a new relationship or not.”

Now that Jack is a little older, Mark, who has remarried and settled in the south of England, is taking a more regular interest in his son and has committed to seeing him every month. Claire’s interior design company is taking off and she organises her work around her family.

“I wish I’d known, back at the start of all this, that it would take me a few years to find my feet, and that I would eventually lose the bitterness I felt towards Mark. I realised that I had to do it for myself and that, although I had a great family who really supported me through the bad times, I had to be the one to pull me and Jack out of the dark times and into the light at the end of the tunnel.

“My advice to anyone else beginning their journey through separation or divorce is to accept all your feelings and not feel guilty or embarrassed about being a single mum or dad — there is no need to feel like you’re a failure. My biggest sadness for a long time was the fact that I only had one child, but now I celebrate the fact that the one I did have is so wonderful, loving and well-adjusted, in spite of everything.”

Louise and Kirit

Louise and Kirit separated six years ago when their son, Jai, was two. Louise is now married to Rob and they have a daughter, Ava, who’s nearly two. Jai lives with Louise but spends at least every other weekend with Kirit.

“We didn’t really tell Jai about the break-up as he was only just two. It was pretty obvious that we weren’t getting on because we were living separate lives, even though we weren’t rowing in front of him. It wasn’t a traumatic break-up — I just realised that we weren’t compatible and couldn’t go on being happy together, so I moved out with Jai.

“Jai was OK and when I moved into a flat in Devon a few months later, I told him ‘this is where we’re going to live now’. Even when his father and I weren’t getting on that well after the separation, Kirit came down to Devon quite a bit. He also came down to ‘rescue’ me when Jai had a period of not sleeping and I was at my wits’ end. And even during our worst times, Kirit’s mother, Bha, made a huge effort to take Jai at the weekends. I think that was a big reason why it was fairly straightforward.

“After that, Kirit and I reached a much better understanding and for the last five years he has seen Jai every other weekend without fail. He’s even taken him on holiday to India and I didn’t think twice about that.

 “Kirit and I now get on very well and he gets on well with Rob too. Jai loves Rob, who he has known since he was two, and he loves his new sister, who is nearly three. He does wish his dad lived with us, but we’re the closest we ever could be to that as he goes every other weekend and Kirit spends quite a bit of time here. I do think we’ve managed extremely well.”

Hermione and Steve

Hermione, 31, and her former partner, Steve, 33, have two sons, Luke, 7, and Mikey, 5. Their relationship deteriorated after Luke’s third birthday and ended two Christmases ago.

“We met in 2000 and things seemed to go swimmingly,” says Hermione. “Then Steve was offered a secondment from his job in Newcastle to London for two years.

“We’d been living down south for a year and a half and it was great, but I missed my family and friends. Steve started to work longer hours and travelled for days at a time. I suppose it was inevitable that our relationship would suffer.

“After Luke’s third birthday, I had a blazing row with Steve when all the resentment and loneliness came pouring out. I accused him of flirting with my friends and not spending enough time at home. Steve couldn’t really dictate his hours, but all I could see was me stuck with two kids in an unfamiliar, unfriendly city, while he waltzed off, living the high life in hotels on expense accounts.”

At the end of Steve’s secondment, the couple and their sons, then three and one, moved back up to Tyneside. “We would argue all the time and Steve started staying out overnight. Because the boys were young, it didn’t affect them too much, although I think they picked up on me being sad. I tried not to let them see me cry, but I remember Luke walking in on me once just after I’d had a horrible argument with Steve on the phone. I was crying and he tried to cuddle me, which made me howl even more.”

Soon after, on Christmas Eve, Steve admitted to Hermione that he had been having an affair for the last six months and wanted to split up. “I couldn’t believe he’d chosen that night to break the news, but I suppose he just couldn’t bear deceiving me any longer. Christmas morning was awful — we hardly said a word to each other. I managed to cook the Christmas lunch and the boys opened their presents with as much glee as ever. When they were in bed that night, I called my friend and cried and cried. It was my lowest point.”

Steve moved into a flat with his lover, leaving Hermione to explain the arrangement to Luke and Mikey. “Children are pretty resilient and I was surprised how quickly we settled into our new routine. Luke had just started school and Mikey was in nursery, so that gave them a solid routine to hang on to, even if Daddy didn’t come home any more.

“Initially, I was so angry with Steve that I didn’t want him to see the boys. However, as the weeks passed, I realised that the only people I was hurting were the children, so I agreed to Steve seeing the boys every other weekend, with a midweek teatime visit too. That worked really well and, eventually, we’ve found a way to get on with each other.

“The fact is our boys look to us for guidance on how to behave, and so we felt it was best to always put on a happy face when we were together in front of them, no matter how cross we may have been feeling inside.”

Now, Hermione believes the boys have accepted their new home life. There’s even a holiday to Disneyland with Steve and his new girlfriend planned for the boys next year. “I have to accept that Steve and I are over and this is the way things are now. I’ve done my best to make sure the boys’ lives aren’t ruined by the fact that their dad and I are no longer together — and that’s all you can do.”

Find out more

• If you're worried about a child's safety or welfare or if you need help or advice, ring the NSPCC Helpline on 0808 800 5000 or email help@nspcc.org.uk
  
  
• National Family Mediation
  www.nfm.org.uk
  
  

• Parentline Plus
  www.parentlineplus.org.uk
  0808 800 2222
  

  
  
• ParentLine Scotland
  www.parentlinescotland.org.uk
  0808 800 2222
  
  
• Parents Advice Centre (Northern Ireland)
  www.parentsadvicecentre.org
  0808 8010 722
  
  
• Relate
  www.relate.org.uk
  0845 456 1310
  
  
• Resolution
  www.resolution.org.uk

• The Good Divorce: Keeping Your Family Together When Your Marriage Comes Apart by Constance Ahrons (£6.99, HarperCollins)

• Helping Children Cope with Divorce by Rosemary Wells (£6.99, Sheldon Press)

• Moving On: Breaking Up Without Breaking Down by Suzie Hayman (£9.99, Vermilion
  
  
• Now read our feature on introducing your child to a new partner

• Watch our short films on explaining divorce or separation to your child and keeping in contact when your ex and your child live in a different country