"Adopting a child is a blessing"

Around 4,000 children are adopted every year, Your family talks to three couples about being matched with their child and how they settled them in

Published 01 April 2008

England has more than 60,000 children living with foster parents, in children’s homes or elsewhere. It doesn’t matter whether you’re single, married or living together, gay or straight – as long as you’re over 21, you’re eligible to adopt. Here, three families tell their inspiring stories.

Avril: “I love my adopted sons like my own”

Linda: “It’s all about building trust”

Shegun: “Joashua has brought joy all round”

Avril: “I love my adopted sons like my own”

Over 23 years, foster carer Avril and her husband Ron have looked after 130 children. They also have three birth children, now grown-up, and have adopted Simon, 18, and Dominic, 8

“We started fostering when our birth children were small, taking in disabled kids for respite care, then we moved on to full-time fostering. Some children would stay just overnight in a crisis, others would be with us for years.

“Simon came to us as a foster child when he was seven months old – the baby of a young mother – and stayed with us for a long time. Resettling him with his birth family failed and finally, at four years old, he was placed with another family with a view to adoption.

“He was intelligent, outgoing and affectionate, and he thrived in our busy house, but his new family was very quiet. After two years, just days before the formal adoption, the family changed their mind. At first, Simon was placed with other foster carers but we got him back and, finally, adopted him. However, in the years since he’d left us he’d become very insecure and was convinced all adults would reject him.

“Although it hasn’t been easy, I love Simon to bits, and I never regret what we’ve done. Simon needed us. As he says: ‘You’re my mum, my birth mother was never my mother.’

“Dominic also came to us when he was seven months old. He was not expected to live; his parents were heavy drinkers and he suffered from lots of disabilities, caused by foetal alcohol syndrome.

“We got Dominic through the early stage, when he was clinging onto life. Then, when he was about to be placed with another family, Simon said to me: ‘If you say you love me and you say you love Dominic, how can you let him go?’ So we adopted Dominic.

“By four, he started walking, but he has lots of problems. He has to have his food via a tube and has spine problems and learning difficulties. He’s very attached to me and, although he knows I’m not his birth mother, I’m his world.

“Adoption is very different from 50 years ago. These aren’t children born to unmarried mothers; these are children who need to get away from their birth family. People don’t realise how sad life has been for them. Whether a child is yours by birth or by adoption, they just need to feel secure in your love – my love for Dominic and Simon is no different to that for my own children.

“Going through the adoption process is like a pregnancy, and it can be difficult having people looking so deeply into your life. But adoption is such a positive thing, blessing the child with a second chance in life, a fresh start – almost a rebirth.”

Linda: “It’s all about building trust”

Linda, 52, and Malcolm, 51, adopted Thomas, now 9, three years ago. Linda has a 31-year-old son and a 27-year-old daughter from her first marriage, as well as a 10-year-old granddaughter

“Malcolm and I met when we were in our mid-forties, so having our own children wasn’t on the cards. That’s why we decided to look into adoption.

“Waiting times with the local council were horrendous, so we got in touch with the St Francis’ Children’s Society (see Find out more), who confirmed that we weren’t too old to adopt.

“We had a year of vetting, training and counselling. A social worker assessed our whole life – our finances, stability, everything. The adoption panel finally said we could adopt a child between the ages of four and eight.

“We found the process quite shocking. The local authority has a matching process, but private agencies don’t. We used the Adoption UK newsletter – it was like looking in an estate agent’s window, with equally misleading descriptions.

“After approval it can take two years to adopt, but we were lucky. We were approved in December and by May we had been matched with Thomas. We watched a video of him and prepared a booklet about us and our life. Next, we met the foster carers and, finally, Thomas. He came to live with us in June.

“It was exciting but daunting. Thomas was bright and bubbly, but had a history of neglect. He had been fostered since he was three-and-a-half years old. He was now almost six and, as Thomas himself admits, ‘I was sad when I was adopted. I didn’t want to leave my foster carers.’ But he was also excited to be getting a ‘forever family’.

“The first year was a challenge, and three years on we’re still learning. Thomas has attachment difficulties and poor impulse control, but he’s a wonderful little boy inside. It’s all about building trust – showing him boundaries, but with lots of affection.

“Thomas seems streetwise, but he’s extremely vulnerable inside. Rather than spoiling him with gifts, he needs reassurance that we are capable of looking after him.

“Adoption is not something to be entered into lightly; it’s turned our lives upside down. But Thomas is now articulate, healthy and happy. His outlook is much better and he will be able to live an ordinary life.”

Shegun: “Joshua has brought joy all round”

Shegun, 45, and his wife Seyi, 38, adopted Joshua, now 4, two years ago

“We tried for a baby for a long time, even trying IVF, but Seyi has polycystic ovaries, making it difficult to conceive. We spoke to our local authority about adoption and, after deciding to go ahead, a social worker examined our whole life – even asking how my parents splitting up when I was 12 had affected me. At first you think, ‘Why are they asking this?’ But I know it was necessary.

“After we were approved, a neighbouring local authority suggested two siblings, a boy and a girl. We went through the matching process and, just before the adoption was to take place, some missing medical records were found. One of them was autistic and, as we’d said we couldn’t take a child with autism, the matching panel wouldn’t proceed. It was very upsetting, we’d seen their photo and felt that we knew them.

“After this, Seyi fell pregnant, but lost the baby at five months. They gave us six months to grieve, then the social worker told us about Joshua. I thought, ‘Here we go again’ but when she showed me his photo, I thought, ‘Wow, OK!’

“Joshua’s birth mother is from Uganda (Seyi and I are from Nigeria). When he’s older I’ll take him there and tell him about her – he needs to know about his heritage. But I know Joshua will have a better life than if he’d returned to Uganda. And I want him to have the best there is.

“I have a photo of his birth mother and I tell him it’s Mummy Margaret. We give him the love he needs and love him as we would a birth son, but I’m sure he’ll want to meet her when he grows up. I want him to feel he’s blessed with two families, rather than missing a part of his life.

“He’s thriving already. The report from his nursery says he’s integrated well, has made lots of friends and learns quickly. When we first adopted him, Joshua was very quiet but since his third birthday, he’s been talking for England! He’s a gentle boy and thinks things through carefully. In fact, adopting Joshua has brought lots of joy all round.”

Find out more 

• Adoption Information Line
  www.adoption.org.uk
  
  
• The British Association for Adoption and Fostering
  www.baaf.org.uk
  
  
• St Francis’ Children’s Society
  www.sfcs.org.uk