Talking to your child’s teacher

It isn’t always easy talking to teachers when your child is having problems at school. Here’s how to handle those tricky conversations

Talking to your child’s teachers can be daunting, especially if your own school days weren’t particularly happy. Whether it’s bullying or homework you’re worried about – or if your child just seems generally unhappy – here’s how to get the message across calmly and clearly.

Keep in touch with the school

It is important to maintain a good level of communication with your child’s school at all times. Not only will it help keep you up-to-date with what your child’s doing in class, you’ll also be more likely to nip problems in the bud as soon as they come up.

It’s a good idea to introduce yourself to your child’s teacher when she starts a new school year. Try to make it to all parents evenings too, so that you can get a clear picture of how she’s getting on.

Helping out at the school is another great way to keep your ear to the ground. “Being a parent helper, listening to children read perhaps, can be very rewarding,” says Kay Fuller, assistant head at the Arthur Bugler Infants School in Essex. “It’s usually best to approach the head teacher, who will have a good idea of what kind of help is needed.” 

When problems come up

All children have problems at school from time to time, and it’s important to sort them out quickly. Your child’s teacher is usually the best place to start, and just before or after school is a good time to catch her. However, if it’s a serious issue, such as bullying, you may want to set up an appointment so that you can talk in private.

For a closer look at how to talk to your child’s teacher about specific problems see below:

When she’s being bullied

When she’s the bully

When homework’s too hard

When she’s just not happy

When she’s being bullied

Finding out your child is being bullied is very upsetting, but however angry you feel, try to avoid knee-jerk reactions. Jo Mason, headteacher at Polwhele School in Cornwall, advises parents to take a step back and talk to their child first.

“Listen rather than talk,” says Jo. “Try not to use leading questions or put words into your child’s mouth. If you say something like ‘So he was hitting you on the head then?’ your child might agree even if that’s not exactly what happened.” Instead, try to use open questions like “So what happened?” and just let your child talk.
 
It’s also important to establish whether what your child is describing is actually bullying. As Jo says, “I’ve had children tell me they’re being bullied and, when you dig a bit deeper, it’s an isolated incident. Bullying tends to be persistent and prolonged, which is a completely different thing.”
 
Once you’ve got your facts in order, you need to make the school aware of your concerns. Your child’s teacher is often the best place to start. Try to catch her at the beginning of the school day and ask if you can speak to her privately after school. 

If the situation is very serious – if you think your child is at risk of physical harm, for example – it may be better to ask for a meeting with the head teacher straightaway. Speak to the staff in the school’s office and they will arrange an appointment for you. Ask if your child’s teacher can come as well. As the person who sees your child day in, day out, they’re often best placed to monitor the situation and make sure the problem gets sorted out.

When she’s the bully

It can be a shock to find out your child is involved in bullying, as Christine, mother of Jessica, seven, and Tom, four, found out. “Like all children, Jessica could be a bit of a handful at home, but as far as I knew she always behaved perfectly at school,” says Christine. “So when her teacher called me to say she was bullying another little girl in her class, I couldn’t believe it. My first reaction was anger. I told the teacher the other little girl must be making it up. She told me that both she and the dinner ladies had witnessed the behaviour over a number of weeks.”
 
At the suggestion of the school, Christine and her daughter attended a meeting with the little girl she had been bullying and her family. “I did feel embarrassed,” she admits. “But although the parents were upset, they seemed to appreciate the fact that I was taking it seriously and wanted to sort things out. I had a long talk with Jessica about what had been going on and the bullying stopped immediately.”
 
“It isn’t nice to find out your child has been bullying, and for many parents, it’s a big surprise,” says head teacher Jo Mason. “But when parents are open and willing to work with the school, most problems can be sorted out relatively easily.”

When homework’s too hard

With the school curriculum more jam-packed than ever and children being tested from an early age, it’s not surprising lots of parents have concerns about classes or homework.
 
“My son is in Year 3 and he seems to get an awful lot of homework,” says Helen, mum of David, eight. “Some of it seems quite hard for a child of his age and I struggle to help him with his maths homework. They have a completely different way of doing sums these days.”
 
“If in doubt, always ask,” says assistant head Kay Fuller. “Some parents worry that the teachers will be too busy to talk or that their questions will seem silly, but that’s just not the case,” says Kay. 

She adds: “Some parents find it easier to write it down in a letter. Others prefer to have a word with the teaching assistant first. If they can help there and then, they will. If they can’t, they’ll pass it on to the class teacher to deal with.”

When she’s just not happy

Whatever the reason, if your child is unhappy at school it can be extremely worrying. When her family moved from Andover to Cornwall two years ago, Ruth was expecting her son Matthew, now seven, to adapt easily. “Everyone kept telling me he was so young, he’d settle in quickly, but he didn’t want to go to school in the mornings and kept asking when we could go back to his old school. It went on for months.”
 
When Ruth spoke to Matthew’s teacher, she agreed he didn’t seem happy: he wasn’t confident in class or making friends, and was spending playtimes on his own. “I was so anxious. But I kept in close contact with the school and his teacher, who gave me lots of suggestions for helping him find his feet. He’s happily settled now, but it was such a worrying time.”  

Find out more

• NSPCC
  www.nspcc.org.uk
  0808 800 5000

• Childline
  www.childline.org.uk
  0800 1111

• Parentline Plus
  www.parentlineplus.org.uk
  0808 800 2222

• ParentLine Scotland
  www.parentlinescotland.org.uk
  0808 800 2222

• Parents Advice Centre (Northern Ireland)
  www.parentsadvicecentre.org
  0808 8010 722