Supporting your child's friendships
Friendships play a crucial part in your child’s life and are important for building self-confidence. Here’s how to encourage them
Even at a very young age, babies and toddlers can enjoy the company of other children. But your child won’t really appreciate having ‘friends’ until she’s around three years old, because the concept of sharing and playing cooperatively doesn’t really develop before this time. From the age of three or four, though — and typically once she starts nursery or pre-school — friendships begin to play an important role, and are essential to your child’s self-confidence. How you help nurture them can make a big difference to how secure and happy she feels when she’s away from you.
Encouraging friendships
Your child’s ability to make friends starts with you. "Being able to show she cares about others is a vital friendship skill for a child," says Claire Halsey, consultant Clinical Psychologist. "So help her by talking about emotions and putting names to her feelings and those of others.”
The best thing you can do is praise your child when she shows signs of empathy with others. "If you see her comforting or being kind to someone, or sharing a toy with someone, for example, tell her how fantastic she is. This will help build your child's feelings of empathy and increase her self-confidence, too," says Claire.
Making friends
Setting an example to your child is one of the best ways she can learn how to make friends. Even if you find it hard to be sociable yourself, there are little things you can do to help her on her way.
For example:
- Let your child see you helping people out, whether it’s carrying a neighbour’s shopping, lending a listening ear or sharing something, and get your child involved too
- Make an effort and chat with other mums and children when you can
- Try to organise small gatherings with other friends who have children
- If your child is very shy, get her together with a couple of same-age children and set up a simple activity, such as playdough, that they can do together side by side. As they get more comfortable with each other, encourage them to play together by asking them to share equipment such as rollers and cutters
- If you haven’t already joined a mother-and-toddler group, find a local one (or you could even start one up yourself!)
- If you have other children, try to find regular slots for your child to spend special time with his friends without them.
Dealing with conflicts
Don’t stress too much if your child falls out with a pal. Childhood conflicts are a natural part of growing up, and also help children to determine with whom they do or don’t share common ground. Here's how you can deal with squabbles between friends:
- If your child is upset because she has fallen out with her friend, firstly sympathise. You need to support your child — even if it turns out that she was the one in the wrong
- Cuddle your child to restore her feelings of security and let her feel you’re on her side
- Talk the events through calmly and quietly, repeating each point back to your child so she can see you are really listening
- Emphasise the importance of being able to forgive people: talk to your child about this and try to set an example by being forgiving yourself
- Don't always interfere if there's an argument. "Let them try to sort out their squabbles independently by waiting before you step in to help," says Claire Halsey
- If your child has behaved badly towards another child, try doing a role play to show her how she can make amends: take the part of the other child so that she can see how her actions might have affected her friend. If necessary, phone the friend’s parent and apologise on your child’s behalf
- If the friendship is irreparably broken, encourage other friendships and play down the importance of the lost one. Point out to your child that when relationships change, it can sometimes be for the best.
Find out more
- Best of Friends: How to Help Your Child Make Friends With Confidence by Hilary Pereira (£9.99, Prentice Hall Life)
- The Good Childcare Guide by Hilary Pereira (£9.99, Prentice Hall Life)
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