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"Help our son cope with grief"

Find out how NSPCC parenting advisor Eileen Hayes MBE helped parents Shelley and Kev support their son Lewis, 7, when his nan died

Lewis and his dad
Published 05 March 2009

The problem

Shelley and Kev say: "Our family has been under a lot of stress — eight months ago Kev’s mum died after a long illness. Lewis was very close to his nan, and he’s struggling to come to terms with her death. He won’t go to sleep on his own any more. He’s also becoming more frustrated if he can’t do something, such as work the computer, and he says things like 'I’m so stupid' or 'I’m useless,' which he never used to. We’d be grateful for any ideas on how to help him."

Eileen Hayes MBE

Eileen Hayes MBE

NSPCC parenting advisor and mum of four

Expert tips

Eileen says: “Children may grieve differently to adults. Some seem upset, others will never cry, and some may seem quite callous about the whole thing. All these reactions are normal. But there are some ways to help.”
  1. It’s good to talk
     Encourage Lewis to talk about his feelings. Bring it up casually while doing other things, saying something like, “Remember when Nan used to…”. Creating a photo album or memory box about the person who has died is a good idea too.
  2. Let him cry
    It might also be good for Lewis to have a cry, which he hasn’t done yet. Don’t force it, but if he does cry, encourage him by saying: “It’s okay to cry”.
  3. Give reassurance
    If adults go to pieces it can be very harmful. Many bereaved children fear other adults they care about will die too. It's important to reassure him he’s not going to lose his mum or dad — stress that his nan was elderly and ill, so he doesn't need to worry.
  4. Help sleeping
     Lewis needs one of you with him to help him sleep — go along with this for now. You’ve started a reward chart to encourage him to let you go, so keep this up. Also, don’t use phrases such as ‘gone to sleep’ about his nan’s death, as this can scare children about sleeping.
  5. Adult support
    Try not to expect emotional support from Lewis. If things are tough, try to get some adult support or speak to your GP. You can’t support others until you feel strong.
  6. Venting anger
    It can be very helpful for small boys to get lots of exercise. Trips to the park or swimming are great. You could get Lewis a punch bag to vent his frustration on, or simply punching a cushion can help.
  7. Give praise
     If Lewis says he’s stupid, say something like, “Why would you think that?”, or say something upbeat such as, “Well I think you’re really useful — remember when you helped me with...”. Always praise him when he does well.
  8. Talk to parents
    Much of Lewis’s behaviour is normal for a seven year old. Talk to other parents to help you see what is common to this age group, and what may be caused by the bereavement.
cope with grief

Here's how they got on

Shelley and Kev's diary

DAY ONE: OPENING UP

­Shelley: It was great to talk to Eileen — I feel like a weight has been lifted off me. The main thing I’ve taken from her is to get Lewis to open up and talk about his nan. I also liked the idea of letting him vent his anger physically. He had a huge tantrum this evening because he was throwing his toy about as part of his game and a bit broke off, so I found him a ‘special’ cushion to punch when he feels angry. It seemed to help calm him.

Kev: Lewis recently said to me that he couldn’t remember what his nan looked like, so I’m going to help him put together a collage of photos of her — I’ve already found a picture of me and her when I was little. I think doing this will be good for both of us.Lewis with his mum

DAY THREE: BEDTIME BLUES

Shelley: I did what Eileen suggested and mentioned Nan casually today, and Lewis said that when he thinks about her he feels like crying. I said it’s fine to cry and he immediately replied, “But you always tell me NOT to cry,” so I had to explain that crying about his nan was different to crying when he was having a temper tantrum, and I think he understood. 

Kev: We have a reward chart for going to sleep, because he’s been taking up to three hours to drop off. He’s already had Star Wars pyjamas as a reward and he’s building up points on the chart to get a Ben 10 DVD, but last night was terrible — Shelley was at the gym and Lewis kept getting up and coming downstairs and it took hours to get him off to sleep.

DAY FIVE: REASSURANCE

Shelley: I’ve been finding it really frustrating that Lewis has become like my shadow — wherever I go in the house, he’s always right behind me. He won’t even wait by the door if we’re going out and I forget something and have to rush back upstairs — he follows me. It’s been driving me crazy but I suddenly put two and two together and realised it’s all to do with what Eileen said about him being scared I’ll disappear like his nan. So I sat him down yesterday and talked him through the fact that his dad and I are fine and we’re not going to leave him. But then today I’ve come down with a terrible cold, so I’m not sure that he’s convinced.

DAY SIX: UPS AND DOWNS

Shelley: We had a really bad day today. I had to stay off work because I’m so unwell, and Lewis had a meltdown and said he was too ill for school. I felt so awful I didn’t have the energy to argue, but I said he had to stay in bed. Eventually he came and said sorry and was good as gold for the rest of the day — but I think the reason behind it all was that he was scared to leave me in case I’m not here after school.Shelley, Kev and Lewis

DAY NINE: IMPROVEMENTS

Shelley: Things have been a lot better over the last few days — Lewis has earned his DVD and we’re planning a family outing to the cinema. Yesterday Lewis gave us a picture he’d drawn, and he’d written “Dear Mummy and Daddy, sorry for being naughty, I really love you,” on it, which nearly broke my heart. There are so many emotions racing around inside his head at the moment, he’s not sure how to deal with them. Friends have told me similar stories, so perhaps some of it is Lewis’s age as well as the bereavement.

DAY TWELVE: MANAGING ANGER

Shelley: Lewis’s sleeping has not been great and he had a tantrum yesterday about a bit of Lego that kept falling off the toy he was building. He started hitting himself and was really in a rage, so I got him to punch the cushion, and told him he’s really good at Lego, which helped a bit. I also had to take him out of the room when we went to visit my mum, who’s also not been well, as he was so rude. But when I got down to his level and talked to him about it, he did apologise. To make matters worse, Kev’s just been made redundant, so we have that to deal with too.

DAY FOURTEEN: WORKING TOGETHER

Shelley: The last few days have been much, much better. I realised that I have been short-tempered because of having such a terrible cold and PMT, and Lewis has been much calmer.

Kev: I think Lewis probably confided in his nan a lot more than either of us ever knew, and so it is going to be hard for him to get used to being without her, as it is for all of us. But last night he told us, “Love you a million,” and I realised that we are a strong family and we’ll get through this.

The verdict

Eileen says: "Shelley and Kev have made huge moves forward. In situations like this it’s normal to progress and then slip back a bit. We can't control the things life throws at us, such as illness, redundancy and so on, but the crucial thing for a child’s emotional health is to know their parents can cope and won’t go to pieces. By continuing to work together, they are doing their best to help Lewis."

Find out more

Words: Kate Ashley. Pictures: Hannah Maule-Ffinch
cope with grief

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