Explaining death to your child
Help your family cope with bereavement with our tips on having one of the most difficult conversations to have with your child
Just before Christmas last year, something very horrible happened to my family: my father was killed in a car accident. Naturally, we were all very shocked and distressed but, as a mum, one of my biggest worries was how to break the news to my son Henry, who's five, that his Grandpa was dead and he would never see him again.
Finding the words
Be clear and truthful
Explain the facts
Children’s reactions
Grief at different ages
Finding the words
Children do not understand death automatically. They need an adult to explain that death happens to everyone and everything, that it’s irreversible
and has a cause.
Jenni Thomas, a bereavement counsellor and founder and president of The Child Bereavement Trust, says, “It is so important to be really truthful. I tell children that when you die, your body doesn’t work anymore. If the person who died was ill, I explain that everyone did all they could to make them better – or if they were old, that their body just wore out. I reassure them that it was nobody’s fault.”
Be clear and truthful
Using the right language is important. Phrases such as ‘gone to sleep’ can confuse and even frighten children. “You should make it clear that death is nothing like going to sleep,” says Jenni. “Explain that when you sleep, your body works very well – you breathe, you dream, you keep warm. But when you are dead, you don’t do any of these things, so you can’t feel pain or be scared and you don’t need food. Children often worry that dead people or pets are frightened or hurt, so you must stress that this isn’t the case.”
Explain the facts
It is also essential to emphasise the reality and permanence of death to your child, as this can 
actually reassure them. Avoid saying things like, “Your grandpa/dog has gone away for a very long time,” as children may assume they have been deserted and be filled with guilt and anger.
If you are explaining how someone died, rather than saying, “Grandma died because she was ill”, try to give a little more information – otherwise your child may become terrified of illness. For example, explain that Grandma was ill with a special sort of illness called cancer, which is different to normal illnesses, and the doctors tried to make her better but couldn’t.
Children’s reactions
When children experience a bereavement they feel emotions such as shock, grief, loss and anger, guilt and sadness in a very similar way to adults. However, they may express their emotions in ways that might seem baffling or even callous to us.
When I gently told my own son that his grandpa had had an accident in his car and was dead, he shouted, “You told me that to make me sad!” After I went on to explain that, because of the accident, Grandpa’s heart stopped working and he died, Henry asked one or two questions then refused to talk. Instead, he sat drawing pictures of the human body with lots of hearts.
“Just because a child doesn’t look sad, it doesn’t mean they aren’t sad. Children cannot sustain feelings for very long. They literally cannot bear to,” says Jenni Thomas.
Julie Stokes, the founder of Winston’s Wish, a charity that supports bereaved children, says, “When children have had enough, they have had enough. They can be in floods of tears and just switch off.
For adults, grief is like wading through this enormous river whereas for children it’s puddle-jumping – but when they’re in that puddle, it’s no different to the river.”
Since my father died, Henry and I have talked about death quite often. We have looked at photographs of his grandpa and remembered happy times together. I have emphasised how much Grandpa loved him. I also pointed out that he inherited his green eyes from Grandpa, so he has a link with him that will last all his life.
Grief at different ages
How children understand and react to death depends on their age. This is just a guide, as all children are different.
Babies and toddlers
Children of this age are unlikely to be affected except by the death of someone very close, such as their mother. They are more likely to be upset by seeing those around them distressed, and will need to be cuddled to reassure them. An older toddler who has lost a parent will need to know that someone is still there to love and care for them. For the very young, physical touch is more helpful than lots of explanations.
Two to five year olds
It is hard for this age group to understand that death is permanent, and they may expect a family member or pet to return or be ‘made better’. They may be frightened by death. Death is best explained in simple, truthful terms, such as: “His heart stopped beating and we couldn’t make him better so he died. His body doesn’t work so we won’t see him moving and talking any more.” You can tell children that the body is put in the ground, as it is no use any more. It’s important to tell them they are not to blame for the death in any way.
Six to nine year olds
Seven or eight year olds may become afraid of death because they realise for the first time that it is real. They may feel very worried by the thought of losing a parent. Children can now accept that death is final. They may need to be encouraged to show their sadness, anger, fear and guilt, and be reassured that the death is not their fault. They may not admit to these feelings, so it is up to you to mention them.
Helping your child through a bereavement
- Give them lots of hugs and cuddles to help them feel comforted.
- Let them talk about their fears and worries whenever they come up.
- Expect some ‘bad behaviour’, such as aggression or sleep difficulties.
- Let your child’s childminder, nursery or school know they’ve experienced a bereavement, so they can be reassuring and expect some stormy behaviour too.
- Keep to your usual routines to provide some security.
- Don’t be afraid to show you are sad too, but be aware that extreme reactions may frighten your child.
- Play with your child. Often, children express their feelings best through role-play with toys or drawings.
- Offer children over seven the chance to go to the funeral, and explain it to them in detail in advance. For younger ones, have a ‘saying goodbye’ ceremony at home. This can also work well for pets.
- Look at photos of the person or pet together and remember happy times. Explain that, in a way, the person or animal lives on in our hearts and memories.
- Make sure your own needs are met. Your wellbeing is important to the wellbeing of your child.
Find out more
- The Child Bereavement Trust (CBT)
www.childbereavement.org.uk
- Winston’s Wish
www.winstonswish.org.uk
- Always and Forever by Alan Durant (£5.99, Corgi Children’s)
- Badger’s Parting Gifts by Susan Varley (£5.99, HarperCollins)
- Goodbye Mog by Judith Kerr (£5.99, HarperCollins)
- Now read our feature on explaining divorce and separation
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