"Our kids won't stop fighting"
Wish the kids would just get along? Sue and Demi take our challenge to deal with the sibling rivalry between their boys in two weeks
The problem
Sue and Demi say: “Our two boys, Felix, 4, and Harrison, 2, are beautiful, lively and intelligent. There’s just one problem: every day is ruined by their continual arguing and fighting. We both feel exhausted and depressed — and we’re fed up with playing peacekeepers! We desperately want them to be the best of friends, and we just don’t know where it all went wrong.”
Eileen Hayes MBE
NSPCC parenting advisor and mum of four
The Advice
- Family rules
Discuss what your rules about acceptable behaviour will be and pin them up somewhere the children can see them, even if they can’t read. Remind them if they are breaking the rules. - Praise
Give plenty of positive, descriptive praise whenever they’re playing nicely. - One-to-one time
Give individual love and attention at some point each day, to each child, and explain you understand their feelings. - Mediation techniques
When an argument breaks out, try to calmly state the problem and then encourage them to work together on what the solution might be. - Friends
Try to provide some opportunities for your children to play separately with other friends, so that they are not constantly forced to play together. - Keep calm
If you go in all guns blazing, yelling and trying to apportion blame, it always makes the situation worse. - Don’t have favourites
It’s also crucial to make sure that you don’t show favouritism, for example, by always blaming one child and thinking of the other as the victim. And try to avoid comparisons, even if it sounds like a positive compliment to one, as this makes competitiveness worse.
Here's how they got on
Sue and Demi’s diary
DAY ONE: Making rules
Sue: I feel better already just from talking to someone about it, and I’m keen to start doing something positive to make things better for all of us. Recently, we had to take Harrison to A&E after a major tussle over a toy, and I live in constant terror of an even worse accident happening.
I sat down with the boys straightaway and talked about what our family rules could be. Harrison didn’t understand it all but he got the gist. Eileen explained that it’s important Felix knows it involves them both equally.
Our rules are:
1. Mustn’t snatch (because that’s what seems to start everything)
2. Mustn’t hurt (because Eileen says that a little bit of rough and tumble is okay and it’s unrealistic to expect it all to stop completely)
3. Take turns
4. Make them feel they’re being clever by encouraging them to discuss their differences rather than just beating each other up. They’ll start to think about solving their problems in other ways and talk to each other. The rules are now up on the fridge and must be obeyed!
Demi: I don’t spend as much time with the kids as Sue does because I’m out at work all day — whereas she works part time and partly from home — so I’m probably more tolerant and tend to let them get away with things. The rules are a great idea, because they’re a reminder to me as well as to the kids about what we should be doing.
DAY TWO: Mediation techniques
Sue: I have begun to use Eileen’s mediation techniques, involving the boys in trying to find their own solutions. Most fights seem to be about the Power Ranger toys, so I tried saying, “You both want this one, and you’re both really upset. How can we sort it out so that everyone’s happy?” The boys agreed to take turns, but counting the time for each turn out loud didn’t really work so I’m going to buy an oven timer.
DAY FOUR: Understanding emotions
Sue: I bought the timer yesterday and the boys have been using it themselves. It’s working brilliantly — they love it because they are in control. I also decided to limit the amount of time they spend playing with the Power Ranger toys and got out some of their other old favourites instead.
I spent some time talking to Felix about how his little brother is a pest sometimes and that I understand how hard it is for him to have to always be the sensible, grown-up one. Felix was extremely jealous when Harry was born, which got us off to a bad start. So I need to do all I can to put that situation right and show I understand how he feels.
DAY FIVE: Praising
Sue: Today, I put the boys in different rooms to do some drawing. Instead of squabbling over every pen, they happily concentrated on their own picture for about 20 minutes. I think that by trying to force the whole ‘happy families’ thing and insist that we do everything together all the time, I’ve probably made things worse.
I’ve also been working on the whole idea of praise. I used to take it for granted if they were playing nicely and only reacted when there was a problem. I found it quite difficult at first to say things like, “Look what fantastic Lego houses you’re building and how well you’re sharing the pieces”, but it’s getting easier!
DAY SIX: Taking a step back
Demi: Things have really calmed down already. When I get back from work in the evening, Sue isn’t on the verge of a nervous breakdown like she used to be. She’s absolutely amazed and delighted and so am I. It’s made it much easier for us to keep calm ourselves.
Sue: The rules and the timer are working so well that it’s much easier not to dive in straightaway whenever there’s a quarrel. It’s made me realise that intervening too quickly sometimes makes it worse, and that it can be better to leave the boys to sort it out for themselves. Even Harry’s got the idea — he points at the fridge and says, “That’s naughty!” to his brother.
DAY SEVEN: Attention-seeking tactics
Sue: Eileen explained that a lot of the quarrelling is about attention seeking. It’s true that the worst squabbles and punch-ups tend to be when I’ve sneaked off to make some work phone calls or to send an email, so I’ve decided that from now on I’m going to be disciplined about when it’s work time and when it’s the boys’ time.
DAY NINE: A calm weekend
Demi: We’ve had our first full weekend following Eileen’s tips, and the main thing that I’ve noticed is that the atmosphere is much less confrontational, both between the two boys and between us and them.
Sue: Because Demi’s around, I was able to spend time with each of the boys on their own, and they both liked that. I was making pizza with Felix and talking to him about what he might do when Harry is annoying him and he actually said, “I could just walk away and ignore him”. I was so pleased, because it shows that he really understands what we’ve been doing. He has obviously really thought about it for himself, which is great.
DAY TWELVE: Making new friends
Sue: We’ve just moved to a new area and I don’t know anyone here yet, so the friends issue has been difficult. But today I invited one of the other mums at nursery to bring her kids over to play. Hopefully, we’ll soon have lots more friends to stop us getting bored with each other’s company.
DAY FOURTEEN: A big difference
Sue: I can’t believe how much things have changed in two weeks. I know it’s not a quick fix and I’ll have to keep working at it, but now I feel positive and energetic, rather than overwhelmed, worn out and hopeless as I did before. I used to think I couldn’t do anything to change it, but now I know I can.
Demi: Sue has worked incredibly hard and the results have been so good that we’re both determined to stick with it.
The results
Eileen says: This is an excellent result! I was quite surprised myself to see how much things have improved in such a short space of time. Sue has done exceptionally well, and it helps that she has a supportive husband and that they work as a team. Now that Sue’s seen that so much of it was happening to get her attention and that she does have some control over the situation, it’s much easier to deal with. I’m confident that things will continue to get better.
Find out more
- -->NSPCC
www.nspcc.org.uk
0808 800 5000
- Raising Kids
www.raisingkids.co.uk
- The Parentalk Guide to Brothers and Sisters by Pat Spungin and Victoria Richardson (£5.99, Hodder & Stoughton Ltd)
Get involved
If you have a parenting problem and would like to take part in ‘Challenge Family’ contact us.“My two love getting each other into trouble — so I don’t listen to tale-telling.”
Janet, mum of Jake, 6, and Susie, 3
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