"Help us make more time for our new baby"
NSPCC parenting advisor Eileen Hayes MBE helped parents-of-three Shazia and Raja give their new baby more attention
The problem
Shazia says: "We have beautiful twin girls, Neha and Maha, who are three, and baby Omar, five months. But we’re finding it difficult to give Omar any proper time and attention. Neha and Maha still need so much doing — we’re rushing around after them, playing games, sorting arguments and potty training. We are worried that Omar is not getting the nurturing that we were able to give them."
Eileen Hayes MBE
NSPCC parenting advisor and mum of four
The advice
Eileen says: Most parents with more than one child grapple with the problem of how to give them all enough attention. But there are ways to cement the bond with baby Omar — it’s never too late.
- Cuddles and contact
Put aside time every day to treat Omar as if he were a tiny baby again. Give him lots of cuddles, kisses and skin-to-skin contact. Try some baby massage if he enjoys that. You can do this even if you only have a few spare minutes a day.
- Enjoy feeding time
Use the bottle-feeding times you have before Omar is weaned to spend quiet, loving moments with him. With bottles it’s easy to hand the baby to someone else or prop up the bottle, so some of the bonding opportunities can be missed and you have to make a bit more effort.
- One-to-one time
To make sure each child feels valued, give all of them some one-to-one time with mum or dad. It doesn’t have to be for long — you could start with just ten minutes a week when they have your undivided attention without the other children around.
- Let them play
Try not to pressure yourselves to be perfect parents! You do lots of crafts, baking and number and letter work with the twins, which is great, but it’s fine to let them amuse themselves some of the time. Once they’re at nursery they’ll get lots of educational input, so you can relax a bit.
- Have a break
It would be good for both of you to have some relaxed time away from the children. You have family living nearby, so why not suggest a baby-care swap — you look after their kids one evening and they look after yours another. You get a trusted baby-sitter and everyone has a break.
- Siblings are fun
Omar seems a very contented baby and I think it’s unlikely that he feels he’s missing out. Babies with older siblings benefit from the fun they provide, so they’re usually pretty happy and don’t need quite as much from Mum and Dad.
Here's how they got on
Shazia and Raja’s diary
DAY ONE: Reconnecting with Omar
Shazia: After speaking to Eileen I felt that a huge weight had been lifted from my shoulders. Omar’s early babyhood seems to have been and gone without me stopping for breath. It was such a relief to hear I can go back and do some of the baby stuff even though he’s older. I started straight away by doing some baby massage after his bath, and I already feel that it has helped us to reconnect with each other.
Raja: Shazia went back to work when the girls were quite young and I looked after them most days. It was a good arrangement and fantastic for me as I have a really close relationship with the twins. But I think Shazia feels she missed out a little on their early milestones, and wants to make the most of Omar. If the Challenge helps with that, it will be really worth doing.
DAY THREE: Time together before bed
Shazia: I’ve been carrying on with the ‘babying’ of Omar. In the evenings when he’s having his bedtime bottle I’ve been cuddling him, talking to him and stroking him. He’s half asleep but he loves it, smiling and rolling his head into my arms. He seems so responsive and it hasn’t been too difficult to put that small amount of time aside just for him.
DAY SIX: Family fun
Shazia: The last few days have flown by. The girls are starting nursery next week, so we’ve been making the most of our last full days together. Yesterday we made chocolate cornflake and fairy cakes and went out for a walk to deliver them to my mum and Raja’s mum, who both live nearby. It made the girls feel very special and Omar loved it too. I think Eileen’s right that he gets a lot of entertainment from the family. I still want to give him some of the time and attention I didn’t manage to when he was younger, but I’m not so worried that he’s suffering for the lack of it. I only have to see him smile and gurgle to know that he's fine!
DAY EIGHT: One-to-one time
Raja: Shazia went to the beautician yesterday and took Neha while I looked after the other two. Neha was delighted to be doing something so grown-up with her mum.
Shazia: And this morning Maha and I went shopping to get some new clothes for her to wear at nursery. She loved choosing what to buy and helping me pay. It takes a bit of organisation to give them all one-to-one time, especially with twins, but when you see how much they love it, you realise it’s worth the effort.
DAY TEN: Letting others help out
Shazia: It would be great for Raja and me to go out once in a while — we hardly ever do. Eileen’s idea of a baby-care swap was really good and I thought my sister-in-law, Arshe, might be interested in doing it. So I asked her and she’s really up for it. In fact, she even offered to look after Omar while I settle the twins into nursery tomorrow, which will be a great help.
DAY ELEVEN: Starting nursery
Shazia: The girls started nursery today — I stayed with them and they were hesitant at first but I think they’ll love it. It was great not having Omar with me so I could concentrate on them. And all the offers of childcare are coming at once! My mum has said she’ll mind Omar now and then when the girls are at nursery so I get a couple of hours to myself. I’ve been so reluctant to ask as people have their own lives to lead, but it seems that they want to help and are pleased to be asked. And on the other days Omar and I will be able to spend time together and I’ll be able to take him to some drop-ins and playgroups, which I’m looking forward to.
DAY THIRTEEN: Less pressure
Shazia: The girls are settled into nursery and thriving. Raja and I have always done lots of educational stuff at home with the children because we want them all to do well. But Eileen’s right when she says that they will get some of that from school, and I now feel a bit less pressure because of this.
DAY FOURTEEN:
Shazia: I’ve just had my first afternoon alone with Omar and we’ve had a lovely time — I felt I could really devote myself to him and enjoy him. Overall, doing the Challenge has been great. I think Eileen’s advice has helped me to be more comfortable as a mum, and to understand that feeling guilty is part and parcel of parenting but not something to dwell on! We have three beautiful children and a happy family life and I want to make the most of it.
Raja: We were a close family already and I think the Challenge has made us even closer — it’s helped us set our priorities and make sure that we’re all working to the same goals together.
The verdict
Eileen says: "Shazia and Raja have done really well in trying out the tips. Shazia has found that the baby massage works especially well, which makes her feel good as well as Omar, and she’s consciously trying to enjoy him more while he’s small. She has also succeeded in taking a bit of the pressure off herself, and having some extra support from the family will help with this, both now and in the future."
Find out more
- Download a free copy of the NSPCC’s leaflet, Stress – A Guide For Parents
- Listen to Eileen Hayes' podcasts on baby bonding
- Parentline Plus
www.parentlineplus.org.uk
0808 800 2222
- The Twins And Multiple Births Association (Tamba)
www.tamba.org.uk
0800 138 0509
- Read Shazia's blog for an update on family life after the Challenge
- Now read our features Baby bonding for dads, Baby bonding for mums and How to massage your baby
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