"We want to stop shouting at our kids!"
Nobody likes bickering and arguing — our expert helps parents Nicola and Ian tackle the squabbles...
The problem
Nicola and Ian say: "We have four-year-old twins, Abbi and Joe, and Sam, who is two. Recently we have been spending more and more time shouting and arguing with the kids, especially Joe, whose behaviour seems to be getting worse. Now he and Sam are at each other all the time and there is non-stop screaming in the house. It's got so bad that we’re worn out, and we can’t work out what’s going wrong."
Eileen Hayes MBE
NSPCC parenting advisor and mum of four
The advice
- Lose the labels
Joe’s become known as the ‘naughty’ child in the family, and it’s best to try to stop this as soon as possible. Once a child is labelled in this way he can begin to think of himself as the naughty one and ends up feeling that he has no choice other than to act like that. So try to make sure that everybody in the family, including grandparents, makes a big effort to stop calling him naughty. - Keep positive
Try to avoid negative expressions such as “I don’t know what to do with you,” or “You’re always behaving like that," as they can lead to even worse problems. - Be realistic
No four year old is good all the time — part of being a pre-school child is being silly and messing about, and this will improve as he grows. Parents often expect the older children in the family to behave in a more mature, sensible way than they are able to. - Watch out for sibling rivalry
Keep an eye on Sam and Abbi, as sibling rivalry can play its part. It’s not uncommon for supposedly well-behaved children to be winding the other one up, because they find it exciting when they know they won’t be blamed. - Make some one-to-one time
Try to let Joe have some one-to-one time with either Mum or Dad, so he isn’t constantly having to compete for attention. This can work really well. - Praise the good
Basic ‘positive parenting’ techniques can help reduce tension. Look out for every part of Joe’s behaviour that’s good, even if it’s only a tiny bit better than before, and heap praise on him for it. - React calmly
A positive approach to bad behaviour would be a very calm but disappointed reaction, such as: “You’re usually such a lovely boy and I know you can behave nicely, so what a pity you were doing that just now.”
Here's how they got on
Nicola and Ian's diary
DAY ONE: Making changes
Nicola: It was quite an eye-opener talking to Eileen about what’s going on. It’s made me see that we need to make a lot of changes. I got quite upset because I felt that I’m Joe’s mum and I should know how to look after him properly! But Eileen said it’s never too late to put things right, so the first thing I’m going to do is stop calling him naughty, and make sure everybody else does the same. I’ve also realised that the other two probably are winding him up and I’ve got into the habit of blaming Joe, so I’ll pay closer attention to that, too. And I’ll really try not to shout, no matter what's winding me up!
Ian: Things have been so difficult lately — I come back from work into a chaotic house, full of shouting, moods and kids throwing things, and feel like I should have stayed in the office. Both Nicola and I are determined to do whatever’s necessary to improve things.
DAY THREE: Working together
Nicola: It’s really good timing because we came away on a week’s holiday yesterday, so Ian and I can work together on Eileen’s advice. We’ve been trying to praise everything Joe does that we possibly can. Ian has taken to it like a duck to water, but I find it very unnatural and quite difficult. But just seeing Joe’s face light up when we tell him he’s done something good is enough encouragement to keep going.
Ian: I took Joe out on his own this evening to get some things from the shop and to have a look at some of the other types of caravan on the site. His behaviour was perfect and on the way back he just said, out of the blue, “Daddy, I love you!”. It made it all worthwhile.
DAY FIVE: Tired and emotional
Nicola: We had a really bad day today. I was tired and I know that I just wasn’t on top of things and wasn’t following Eileen’s advice. Things went from bad to worse and by the end of the day we were all bad-tempered and exhausted and Ian just wanted to go home. The boys were making a fuss, fighting and hitting each other on the beach, and instead of ignoring it I snapped at Joe, when really it was just as much Sam’s fault as his. I prepared a lovely picnic lunch and none of them ate anything, which made me cross, too. In general, I just wasn’t as calm as I should have been, and I was expecting the kids to be much more responsible and grown-up than they are. I also used several of the type of negative comments that Eileen warned against, like “You’re ruining the holiday”. Later Joe helped me put the plates away and said, “I’m going to be good tomorrow, Mummy,” which broke my heart as I felt it was me who hadn’t been up to scratch.
DAY EIGHT: A change for the better
Nicola: The last couple of days of the holiday were brilliant. I really made an effort to get back on track with praising the good behaviour and ignoring the bad, and not letting Sam wind Joe up. For example, the boys got a toy motorbike as a treat when we visited Whitby, and Sam annoyed Joe by saying he couldn’t take it to the park with him. Previously I’d have blamed Joe for all the fuss and crying, but it wasn’t his fault at all. Whenever Joe did start to slip, we reminded him of what a good boy he is. And it goes both ways, because yesterday Joe gave me a sticker for not shouting!
Ian: Things seem to be back on track now and I think the other day really showed us both how important it was to keep up with Eileen’s tips all the time, otherwise it just slips back to how it was.
DAY TEN: A moment of reflection
Nicola: Ian took Abbi and Sam out to the park today and Joe stayed with me. We were doing some colouring together and he said “I don’t want Abbi and Sam to play with my mummy when they get back”. This really showed me that he has been suffering from trying to compete for our attention, which I don’t think we would have realised if we hadn’t done this Challenge.
DAY FOURTEEN: A better atmosphere
Ian: I can’t believe how much the atmosphere has changed in a fortnight. I look forward to coming home from work now, rather than dreading it. It’s been a long time coming, but now it’s here, we’re determined to keep going.
Nicola: We still have our ups and downs, but in general things are so much better. I praise Joe for anything I can, even if it’s just picking up a few crayons, and his face says it all — he’s so pleased to be Mummy’s good boy.
The results
Eileen says: "It’s great to hear that all the bickering and arguments in the household have got so much better in such a short time. Joe’s reaction to the praise and positive attention shows how worthwhile it is — even if it sometimes feels like hard work. It’s inevitable that some days will be better than others, but Nicola and Ian will find out that things will gradually become easier as the children get older and more mature."
Find out more
- Download a free copy of the NSPCC's leaflet Encouraging Better Behaviour.
- Parentline Plus
0808 800 2222
www.parentlineplus.org.uk
- Read Nicola's blog for an update on family life after the Challenge.
Get involved
If you have a parenting problem and would like to take part in ‘Challenge Family’, contact us.
Print this article >
Save this article >
Send this article >
Facebook >
