"We have to remember to praise good behaviour"
One month after taking up the 'Your family' Challenge to put a stop to shouting and arguing at home, mum-of-three Nicola tells us how the family’s getting on
Nicola and Ian, parents of four-year-old twins Abbi and Joe, and Sam, two, recently felt that they were spending too much time arguing with their kids, especially Joe. So NSPCC parenting advisor Eileen Hayes stepped in with her top tips (see below) to help them ‘stop the shouting in two weeks’. Read Nicola’s blog to see how the family’s been getting on since completing the Challenge:
“Things have been fantastic really since working with Eileen. Joe is being a real star, we’re getting on very well and it feels like we’ve got our relationship with our son back. Today he just came in and gave me a kiss out of the blue!
“I say to Ian now, ‘How did we used to cope?’ Before we did the Challenge, we’d got ourselves into a real state. The school used to ring up saying Joe was being naughty, and the kids used to scream all the time at home. Every day was so hard, and Ian sometimes wished he’d stayed in the office at the end of the day.
“Now though, he likes coming home from work! Everyone is getting on and we’re doing things together, like going out as a family. We never used to like doing that because we knew Joe would kick off. But tonight we’re all going to the supermarket together — before, Ian used to just drop me off there and then take the kids home.
“The best piece of advice Eileen gave us was that we shouldn’t focus on the times when the kids were being naughty, but should remember to praise their good behaviour. We hardly ever did that before — looking back now it was awful, we were just telling Joe off constantly, never praising him when he did do something good. But now we’ve started doing that, he does what he’s asked to do. I can see now that it was us, who had built Joe up to be this naughty boy, but he’s not just a naughty little boy — he’s Joe!
“Eileen also said that maybe Sam was behaving badly sometimes too, not just Joe, and she was right — he was. They wind each other up. This week it’s been raining a lot so we’ve all been stuck in the house and that’s been quite hard. The boys always have to get all their toys out at once, and then they’re bored in five minutes.
“But it’s actually been okay — when the kids are playing at home now they’ll come and ask me, ‘Are we being good Mummy?’ Like today, they were playing with their play dough and because I hadn’t praised them for a little while they came to check they were being good. So I said, ‘Yes, you’re being very good!’
“It’s not always easy. Some days I feel I can’t be bothered to keep praising Joe for every little thing, but I have to remember to — even if I’m tired. It’s okay to go off for a little bit and do the washing up or something, but I have to remember to go in and tell the kids they’re being good every so often. Ian is more patient than me and always remembers to praise the kids. If I forget to do it, he gives me a look!
“If there are other families out there in the same situation we were in before the Challenge, I want to tell them there is light at the end of the tunnel. This is something that any parent can do. We felt embarrassed about making the first phone call, about admitting the problem to someone else, but it was definitely worth it. I’m not embarrassed at all now, and I really hope other parents can learn from this too. We’re living proof that it can all be okay.”
Eileen Hayes MBE
NSPCC parenting advisor and mum of four
Eileen's tips
Eileen said: "You feel Joe’s behaviour is at the root of much of the shouting and that the situation has worsened over the last few months. Often when you look closely at situations like this, something has triggered the change — it may be an alteration in routine, or in Joe’s case he might feel a bit threatened or ‘pushed out’ by the other two, especially as Sam gets bigger and more assertive. There are several things you can do to improve matters..."
- Lose the labels
Joe’s become known as the ‘naughty’ child in the family, and it’s best to try to stop this as soon as possible. Once a child is labelled in this way he can begin to think of himself as the naughty one and ends up feeling that he has no choice other than to act like that. So try to make sure that everybody in the family, including grandparents, makes a big effort to stop calling him naughty. - Keep positive
Try to avoid negative expressions such as “I don’t know what to do with you”, or “You’re always behaving like that”, as they can lead to even worse problems. - Be realistic
No four year old is good all the time — part of being a pre-school child is being silly and messing about, and this will improve as he grows. Parents often expect the older children in the family to behave in a more mature, sensible way than they are able to. - Sibling rivalry
Keep an eye on Sam and Abbi, as sibling rivalry can play its part. It’s not uncommon for supposedly well-behaved children to be winding the other one up, because they find it exciting when they know they won’t be blamed. - One-to-one time
Try to let Joe have some one-to-one time with either Mum or Dad, so he isn’t constantly having to compete for attention. This can work really well. - Praise the good
Basic ‘positive parenting’ techniques can help reduce tension. Look out for every part of Joe’s behaviour that’s good, even if it’s only a tiny bit better than before, and heap praise on him for it. - React calmly
A positive approach to bad behaviour would be a very calm but disappointed reaction, such as: “You’re usually such a lovely boy and I know you can behave nicely, so what a pity you were doing that just now.”
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