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"We don't agree on discipline"

Couples can clash over disciplining their child but there’s always a compromise. Here, Nina and Max take our challenge to restore harmony and deal with Nikita, three

Nina and Max with Nikita
Published 01 April 2008

The problem

Nina says: We have a very happy family life — apart from the fact that Max and I cannot agree about discipline. He says I’m too soft on Nikita, but I think he’s too harsh. It’s becoming an issue, as Nikita’s behaviour seems worse now than it was during her ‘terrible twos’. We really need help!

Max says: “I probably am stricter than Nina, but I think I’m more consistent – Nikita knows that Nina’s more likely to let her get away with things than me. I worry that if we don’t make changes now, we’ll be storing up problems for the future.”

Eileen Hayes MBE

Eileen Hayes MBE

NSPCC parenting advisor and mum of four

The advice

Eileen says: “I’m not surprised Nina feels that Nikita is sometimes badly behaved because this is perfectly normal for a three year old. Most under-fives display some challenging behaviour as a way of asserting their independence and to show they have minds of their own. It’s also common for parents to disagree about discipline — I suggest Nina and Max follow the steps below to achieve a more harmonious balance.”

  1. Back to basics

    Firstly, it would be beneficial for you both to have a really good talk about the whole matter. You could start by talking about styles of parenting – broadly speaking, these are:
    • Permissive, where the child generally gets their own way most of the time
    • Authoritarian, where the parent is determined to keep control a
    • Positive/assertive, which is the recommended middle way and builds on your child’s wish to please you.
  2. Keep it simple
    Most families do a bit of each, but it can cause arguments if parents favour one of the more extreme ends – for example, Nina tends towards the permissive and Max towards the authoritarian. Thinking about these issues along with the experiences of your own upbringing can be very helpful.
  3. Family rules
    Decide on some family rules. These should set out which behaviours you want to insist on, and which you could be flexible about. Put the rules somewhere they can be referred to, and have regular chats to see how things are going.
  4. Be prepared
    You need to agree on what will happen if rules are broken. Maybe a period of cooling-down time or something similar that works for you.
  5. A united front
    I feel it’s an unrealistic goal to expect parents to be totally united about discipline at all times. In the real world, flexibility and compromises are sometimes necessary. What is important is not to put each other down. Even if you don’t agree, you can still present a united front by saying something like, “I know I usually let you leave your toys out, but it really bothers Dad so let’s have a bit of a tidy up.”
  6. Plenty of praise
    In a general sense, it’s important to create a warm and loving atmosphere, where there is lots of praise for good behaviour and not too many telling-offs.
  7. Trust each other
    Nina needs to try to trust Max’s judgement – don’t always expect him to get it wrong, and give him lots of opportunities to work out his own relationship with Nikita. 
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Here's how they got on

Nina and Max’s diary

DAY ONE: Getting started

Nina: Talking to Eileen has made me realise that Max and I have never actually discussed discipline and how we feel about it. We both just do our own thing, which must be very confusing for Nikita. I have to admit that I totally spoil her. She’s my little princess and I do give in to her rather than risk a tantrum. For example, I usually say that no one is allowed to eat in the living room, but I bend the rules for Nikita because it’s easier for me. I come from a very strict family, with lots of shouting and hitting, and I don’t want to bring Nikita up like that — but maybe I’ve gone too far in the other direction!

Father reading with his daughter Max: Like all children, Nikita likes to push the boundaries and I think that following Eileen’s tips will help us present more of a united front when dealing with her.

DAY FOUR: Working together

Nina: Max and I have had a few days away on our own and that’s given us a chance to discuss the changes we want to make. I am going to make more of an effort to include Max, and not think that I’m the only person who knows how to look after Nikita properly.

Max: I have to stop taking a back seat and get more involved in all aspects of Nikita’s life — the nice things like taking her to the park or doing puzzles together, as well as being the disciplinarian.

DAY SIX: Being firm

Nina: We’ve had our family meeting and agreed on our rules. There aren’t too many — mainly things like no eating in the lounge and asking Nikita to tidy her toys before bed. We have a reward chart on the fridge with stars for when she does well – today she got five! If the rules are broken, she will have cooling-down time in her bedroom. Max has been making an effort to get home from work early to spend some time with us. Last night we all ate dinner together — first of all Nikita wanted to eat on her own in the lounge, and started to cry and scream when I said no. But when she realised I wasn’t going to give in, she came and sat with us and we had a lovely meal. It was also a good lesson for me — I’m always so worried that I’m going to traumatise Nikita if I deny her anything, but actually, it’s fine to be firm.

DAY SEVEN: Helping each other

Max: I came home from work tonight and found both Nikita and Nina in tears — over a Halloween outfit, of all things! Nina had bought Nikita a new witch’s dress to go trick-or-treating in but she was refusing to wear it because she said it was uncomfortable. I reasoned with both of them and Nina realised that she was being totally irrational, and we all agreed together that Nikita could wear last year’s dress.

Nina: Before the challenge, I would never have let Max get involved in a situation like this, and he would have seen that there was a scene and walked in the other direction. But today, we both helped each other, which led to a positive outcome.

DAY TEN: Bedtime blues

Max: Bedtime has been a problem recently, with Nikita refusing to go to bed and constantly getting up saying that she needs the toilet. She’s been getting away with it and spinning bedtime out for an hour or more this way. Last night Nina came downstairs saying she was going to have a nervous breakdown — she was really at the end of her tether. Usually I would then go upstairs and be ‘Big Bad Daddy’. But instead, we went up together, let Nikita sit on the toilet one last time, then said she must go to bed, as she clearly didn’t need a poo. We left her in bed crying and screaming, but she very soon fell asleep. Tonight she only tried it on a couple of times before giving in. I think she saw that she wasn’t going to be able to play us off against each other anymore.

Mother and father playing with daughter Nina: I’ve been thinking about what Eileen said about giving lots of praise and I’ve realised that I often take it for granted when Nikita is good. Today she went into her ballet lesson on her own without making a fuss or asking me to stay and I told her how proud I was of her — she was so pleased and proud of herself.

DAY FOURTEEN: A better outlook

Nina: I really can’t believe how much things have improved — it’s been a very positive experience and I feel that Eileen has given us the tools to keep going.

Max: It’s been great to do the challenge, and I think we’ll be reaping the benefits for a long time to come. Nikita is a very feisty and independent child and we’ll need to keep our wits about us and work together if we’re to avoid trouble in the future!

The results

Eileen says: What seems to have worked really well is that Nina is starting to trust Max’s judgement and, in turn, this means he feels willing and able to play his part in parenting and discipline. They are still trying to compromise but it would be unrealistic to expect this to be resolved in only two weeks — it’s an ongoing process and one I’m sure they will sort out in time.

Find out more


Get involved

If you have a parenting problem and would like to take part in ‘Challenge Family’, contact us.

“With a young child, don’t make a big deal of naughtiness — try to laugh it off, without condoning it. Have fun with your child and teach them by example rather than by shouting at them.”

Dawn, mum of Hanna Marie, 2

Words: Kate Ashley. Photography: Michaela Greene

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