"Our daughter has become clingy"
It’s normal for children to want to be close to their parents, but clinginess can cause problems. Here, Mandy and Mehmet take our challenge to tackle the issue in just 2 weeks
The problem
Mandy says: “Yasmin is four and a half. She’s an adorable little girl but is clingy and insecure and hates me leaving her. She’s a real ‘mummy’s girl’ and wants me to do everything for her. My mother died a year ago and I feel that the situation has got worse since then. Yasmin has been with the same child minder since she was seven months old, as my husband Mehmet and I both work full time, so she’s very attached to her. But Yasmin starts school this September and will have to change to a new child minder. I’m absolutely dreading it because I know how difficult it’s going to be.”
Eileen Hayes MBE
NSPCC parenting advisor and mum of four
The advice
- More time with dad
I think it would be really helpful for Yasmin and Mehmet to build on their relationship. Reading stories, playing and also doing some of the routine tasks, such as getting Yasmin ready for bed, would be good activities for Mehmet to start with. Even if it’s not up to her standards, Mandy should be careful not to criticise the way he does things – especially in front of Yasmin. - Build her confidence
Even if you have to pretend, it is really important to talk up Yasmin’s confidence by saying that you expect her to manage situations well. Talk positively and cheerfully about changes, such as starting school; make it sound like fun and stress that you know she will have a great time and cope really well. Try not to pass your anxieties on to her – if she knows that you’re worried, she will think there’s really something to worry about. - Don’t linger over goodbyes
When you have to leave Yasmin to go out or go to work, don’t keep going back for another cuddle or kiss. It’s best to say firmly that you are going, reassure her that you’ll be back soon, give her one last hug and then leave. - Talk it through
I think it could help for Mandy to have a proper talk with Yasmin about how she’s a big girl now and how she can show this by doing some of the things that big girls do. Choose a time when you are relaxed and happy, and be careful to avoid any nagging or telling off. Aim for ‘active listening’ on your part: try asking Yasmin about her day and giving her lots of feedback. Also, if there has been an event such as a family bereavement as in your case, it’s important to answer any questions Yasmin asks openly and honestly. - Allow her to achieve
Another way to build young children’s confidence is to let them make small achievements. In general, don’t do things for them that they could do for themselves, such as getting dressed and feeding themselves. With Yasmin, this should help create a ‘can do’ attitude and will show that you believe in her skills and ability. Give plenty of praise for everything she does or tries to do. - Understand her feelings
Accept that any fears and insecurities Yasmin expresses are genuine to her. Understand that she’s not just doing it to annoy you, even if it may feel like that sometimes.
Here's how they got on
Mandy and Mehmet’s diary
DAY ONE: Working together
Mandy: Everything Eileen has said makes sense to me, and Mehmet and I have already agreed that he needs to do more with Yasmin. I’m going to try not to interfere when I don’t think he’s doing it right, because I now realise this gives Yasmin the message that Daddy’s not as capable as Mummy. I will also try hard to let Yasmin feed and dress herself. I often do these things for her, as I get stressed when she spills things down herself or doesn’t get ready fast enough, but I can see that this is not helping her.
Mehmet: I didn’t do a lot with Yasmin when she was a baby and, although I love to spend time with her, I do find it difficult because she always wants her mum more than me. As a result, I’m not very confident about looking after her and I also can’t say no to her, so she knows that I’m a soft touch. But talking to Eileen has given us the opportunity to put these things right, which I’m really keen to do.
DAY TWO: Ups and downs
Mandy: I’m so pleased because Yasmin dressed herself this morning after I put her clothes out for her. I made sure I gave her lots of praise and told the child minder what a big, clever girl she was when I dropped her off.
I feel that we’ve made progress already, but we’ve also had some tears. Yasmin’s nursery is planning a picnic in the garden, which most children would love, but Yasmin isn’t at all confident about it. I don’t really understand why as she loves barbecues at home, but she just keeps saying that she wants me to be there. I thought about Eileen’s tips and told Yasmin that she’d have a lovely time, that there would be delicious food and that there was nothing to worry about. I’ll keep doing this until the picnic happens.
DAY FOUR: An evening without Mum
Mandy: I went out last night to interview a child minder and told Yasmin that Daddy was going to put her to bed. She made a fuss, insisting that she would stay up until I got home and trying to prevent me from getting ready. In the end, the parting went well — I kept it brief and Yasmin was fine. But when I got home at 9.15pm, she was still downstairs. I feel that Mehmet should have kept to the routine and made sure she went to bed, even if she didn’t want to.
Mehmet: I tried to get Yasmin to sleep but she was full of beans and wasn’t having any of it. I know that Mandy was disappointed but Yasmin and I had a nice time together and she didn’t seem to miss her mum too much, which is a step forward.
DAY SEVEN: Praise for small achievements
Mandy: The last few days have gone well. On Friday when we got home, Yasmin and I decorated some biscuits we had made. I even resisted the temptation to interfere when she took forever to ice one biscuit! Instead, I let her do it all herself and really praised her afterwards. Then today, I went out to do the shopping while Mehmet babysat. He and Yasmin played a game together and Yasmin was fine.
The thing that I’m struggling with most is making out that everything is okay when it isn’t. I’m having real problems finding a new child minder for when Yasmin starts school and I’m feeling extremely stressed about it. Yasmin is definitely picking up on all my stress and I know that’s not a good thing for her.
DAY EIGHT: Learning to be firm
Mandy: I spoke to Eileen today for some back up and she told me again about the need for me to be positive and optimistic, so I’m trying harder! She also said that if Yasmin is pestering me when I’m getting ready to go out, I should be firm about saying that I’m busy and she must ask Daddy, as it’s not good for her to think that I am at her beck and call all the time. It’s a tricky one for me as I want Yasmin to know that I’m always there for her, but also to be able to stand on her own two feet.
DAY TWELVE: Being a big girl
Mandy: I finally found the time to sit down and have a good talk with Yasmin yesterday, as Eileen recommended. I explained to her that she’s a big girl now and that there are lots of things she can do for herself. I also told her that she can help me by doing some of the things that big girls do, such as dressing herself in the mornings. Unfortunately, things didn’t go as well as I’d hoped — Yasmin got quite cross and said she didn’t want to be a big girl; she just wanted to be my baby. However, this morning she actually got herself dressed and brushed her own hair.
When I got back from work, I read her a story and gave her lots of attention. Then I said I was going into the bathroom to put some make-up on and she could watch but not interfere. She was very good about it and, once I’d gone out, she quite happily fell asleep drinking her milk on the sofa with Mehmet and he put her to bed.
DAY FOURTEEN: Moving in the right direction
Mandy: It has been quite a tough two weeks, what with trying to follow Eileen’s tips and also sorting out a new child minder for Yasmin, which I’ve finally managed to do. But I do feel that we’ve made a start and that things are moving in the right direction, with Yasmin beginning to be a bit more independent. Most importantly, I feel much more positive about the starting school issue.
Mehmet: Both Mandy and I have had to look at the situation and see where we could make things better. I think that, if we persevere, we will be able to help Yasmin become a more confident little girl.
The results
Eileen says: Mandy and Mehmet should be really pleased with the progress they’ve made. Although the change may not seem that dramatic, this is a very complex issue that cannot be solved overnight. You can’t change a child’s fundamental personality — and you wouldn’t want to. Instead, it’s a question of building on every small step forward and keeping up the praise and support, while accepting that Yasmin may never be as confident and outgoing as some other children might be.
Find out more
- Netmums Coffee House (chat forum)
www.netmums.com/coffeehouse/
- Parentline Plus
www.parentlineplus.org.uk
0808 800 2222
- Confident Children: Help Children Feel Good About Themselves by Gael Lindenfield (£9.99, HarperCollins)
Get involved
If you have a parenting problem and would like to take part in ‘Challenge Family’ contact us.
“My daughter went through a very clingy phase when she started school and I was really worried about it. But in the end it all resolved itself as she settled down and became more familiar with the school surroundings and her new routine.”
Tina, mum of Minnie, 5
Words: Kate Ashley
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