All about toddler tantrums
Every parent of a toddler comes across a tantrum (or five!) now and again. Here are some great practical tips for dealing with them
Temper tantrums are a completely normal part of toddlerhood, but not surprisingly, many parents find them difficult to cope with. Here NSPCC parenting adviser Eileen Hayes MBE explains why your toddler is prone to them, and how to keep your cool when they happen.
What are tantrums?
Tantrums are emotional outbursts. They are a normal part of your child’s behaviour and development between about one to three years. They are not really ‘naughty’ or done deliberately to get at parents, even though it can sometimes feel like this! Your child is trying to cope with the world and its many new experiences, and sometimes it all becomes overwhelming.
Children may kick, hit and throw themselves down. Sometimes they happen because your child is distressed, in which case she may cry and sob inconsolably. Generally tantrums occur at least once a week in 50-80 per cent of children, but may be more common in children with a naturally more challenging temperament.
Common tantrum triggers
- Frustration This could be because your toddler has limited language and can’t make you understand what she wants, or she may not have the skills to finish something she’s started.
- Wanting to be independent Refusing to be strapped into a car seat, for example, or rejecting the clothes you have picked out or the lunch you have prepared.
- Wanting things she can’t have Snatching a friend’s toy, perhaps, wanting a biscuit right before lunch, or to watch another DVD.
- Being over-stimulated Even enjoyable events like birthdays or visits to playgroup can set some toddlers off.
- Being hungry and/or tired These are common triggers for many toddlers.
- Wanting to get her own way or to seek attention If you’ve given in to previous tantrums or have given your child lots of attention because of them, this can become a pattern as kids grow older.
Preventing tantrums
- Be aware of new stresses — a new baby in the family, for example, or starting nursery — that may mean your toddler needs a little more understanding. Knowing her feelings matter means your child has less need to throw tantrums.
- Try to set a good example by showing your toddler that you can stay calm under pressure. This encourages her to do the same.
- Toddler-proof your home as soon as your toddler is on the move so that you don’t have to worry about what she can and can’t touch.
- Have clear routines, with regular lunch, nap, bath and bed times. Avoiding your child being tired or hungry will help to cut the number of tantrums.
- Try not to say “no” all the time — this will only add to your toddler’s frustration.
- Have some happy, fun times every day if possible, perhaps reading a story or going to the playground.
- Keep her active. Toddlers need to let off steam every day, running around outside or dancing indoors.
- Giving her limited choices over what to eat or wear will help to avoid meltdowns.
If a tantrum is about to start:
Try distractions and diversions — a song or game, swapping a toy for your keys or going to look out of the window. Ignoring sometimes works too — walking away or just carrying on with what you’re doing. If not, some children can be ‘jollied’ out of a brewing tantrum: say something like “It’s time to stop now — I’ll count up to 10,” then give plenty of praise and cuddles when she calms down.
Once a tantrum is underway:
When a child is out of control, you need different tactics:
- Try holding your child tightly (if she lets you) and try to make eye contact.
- Stay calm and speak gently, saying things like “I’m here, it’s okay, you can calm down” or “I won’t let you hurt yourself”.
- Keep yourself calm by breathing deeply and relaxing your muscles. Tell yourself, “I will stay calm — I’m the adult and I can do this”.
- Outdoors or in the supermarket, it’s often better to just pick up your child and move away rather than cause a scene.
- Time outs can be useful if you find it difficult to remain calm. It often works best for parents to take it themselves, going into another room to try to calm down. Or you can put your toddler somewhere safe (playpen, pushchair) for a few minutes to hopefully calm down. It should never be done in anger. Some children under three may not understand time outs so don’t force it if your child doesn’t cooperate.
- Sometimes nothing works and you just have to wait till your child calms down, then comfort and cuddle her.
When will my child grow out of them?
Tantrums can carry on up to five years and beyond, but most children grow out of them when they have more language and understanding. You can help by showing your child how to put feelings into words — ‘I’m angry’ or ‘I’m upset’ — instead of just showing it in a tantrum. When children start at playgroup or nursery, you can talk to them about rules and explain how to behave in different situations.
You’re more likely to get to a tantrum-free situation sooner if you can lighten up. Laughter and humour can often change a child’s mood. A hug or tickle, having the giggles together, making a game of getting in the bath or tidying toys can all work brilliantly and avoid the kind of battles that can end in tantrums.
Find out more
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NSPCC
www.nspcc.org.uk
0808 800 5000 (Free 24-hour NSPCC Child Protection Helpline)
- Parentline
www.parentlineplus.org.uk
0808 800 2222
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0808 800 2222
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Parents Advice Centre (Northern Ireland)
www.parentsadvicecentre.org0808 8010 722
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Tantrums: Understanding and Coping with your Child’s Emotions by Eileen Hayes (£4.99, Hamlyn)
- Now read our features on stopping toddler tantrums and anger in children
- Watch our short film on "Are my toddler's tantrums normal?"
Eileen Hayes MBE
NSPCC parenting advisor and mum of four
“Lauren used to have a lot of tantrums and I used to completely ignore them. Eventually, she gave up and now she’s the most even-tempered child I know.”
Sophie, mum of Lauren, 7
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