Becoming a dad: the first days with your newborn
Becoming a parent is a big deal for dads as well as mums, especially if Dad's the main carer. We're here to help you find support
We all know that dads are just as important to their kids as mums. For sons, they provide that all-important role model and for daughters, a dad’s love and admiration are huge boosts to their self-esteem.
Just like mums, some dads are immediately bowled over by the strong feelings they have for their new baby. “Matt has surprised himself by how much he’s loving being a dad,” says Charlie, mum of Zach, 2 months. “He didn’t think he’d want to change nappies but he’s right in there doing his turns and, if I’m really tired when he gets back from work, he’ll take over for a couple of hours and give me a break.”
However, other new dads can feel a bit overwhelmed at the start, wondering if they are ever going to get the hang of it, as Richard, dad of Marianne, 4, and Max, 18 months, found out: “At first I felt a bit sidelined as everything centres on the baby. Gradually I realised that it’s difficult as there’s so much expectation — but then it becomes fun.”
Eileen Hayes MBE
NSPCC parenting advisor and mum of four
Expert tips on bonding with your newborn
- Dads can form that important bond with their babies in exactly the same way as mums by carrying out everyday chores, like changing nappies and bathing, and by cuddling and comforting.
- If Mum is breastfeeding, Dad doesn’t have to feel left out. He can still do all the other stuff and even help make breastfeeding a success by supporting Mum.
- Dads who get involved right from birth, holding and rocking, and playing when their baby is awake and alert, have the best possible relationship with their children later on.
- Try playing with a soft rattle, mobile, or soft squishy toy from 0-3 months.
When Dad is the main carer
Nowadays it’s becoming more common for dads to be the main carers. Paul and Emily decided that Paul would be the main carer for their son George, now 10 months, while she was still pregnant. They both earned the same money, and Paul wanted to go back to university to become a sports teacher and promote a healthy lifestyle to children. It wasn’t always easy, but, as Paul found out, being the main carer can be hugely rewarding:
“Emily did the pregnancy test on my birthday and I was ecstatic when the result was positive. I was really anxious until the 12-week mark as she’d had a miscarriage previously, then after that I began to feel left out as everything is directed at the mother. But I felt guilty for saying, ‘What about me?’
“George was born by emergency caesarean and when I held him in my arms it was the greatest moment of my life. That night I wandered round the supermarket in shock trying to remember what Emily had asked me to buy, and ended up with the wrong baby grows and three DVDs!
“I drove us home from the hospital like an old age pensioner, frightened of every bump in the road. I threw myself into being the main carer, but it was too much at first – I couldn’t do up his poppers and handled him like fine bone china. Doing the feeds and nappies helped me bond with him though.
“The idea was that I’d juggle my studies around being the main carer and our parents would help out with childcare. But it didn’t work out in practice as the university wasn’t supportive when I had to occasionally miss lectures and it felt as if George was being brought up by several people.
“I also felt guilty that Emily was the breadwinner and came home from work tired. People assumed I was the main carer as I didn’t have a job, rather than it being a conscious choice, and I used to feel I had to justify the fact I was studying.
“There’s not much support out there for dads who are the main carer as clubs on a Saturday are usually a ‘Daddy day’ for dads that work. I’ve been to ‘Bumps and Babies’ groups and met one other dad, but otherwise it’s all mums.
“Now I’ve switched to Open University so I can be with George fulltime and study in the evenings when Emily gets home. She gets one ‘Mummy day’ with him at the weekends and I study then too. I now feel proud about being the main carer and don’t hide behind my studies any more.
“Being the main carer has given me a greater appreciation of stay-at-home parents, and also those who juggle a career. I’ve learnt patience and not to take anything for granted. It’s made me become a more rounded person and I realise that work is not the be all and end all of life – my perspective on what’s important has changed. In fact, being a dad has made me realise how important these early years are and I now want to work with primary-aged children instead of older kids as I’d planned.
“I think a dad is just as good a role model as a mum and maybe men let children experience a bit more rough and tumble play! I think that together, Emily and I give George a good balance and a wider range of experiences.”
Find out more
- Fatherhood Institute
www.fatherhoodinstitute.org
- Now read our features Baby bonding for dads, Why dads are great and "I'm happy being a stay-at-home dad"
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